Everything Changed And My Life Is A Mess
by ThrawnsGirl
Summary: If/Then AU: One of them feels betrayed. Two made mistakes they can't take back, one of them fights for their life. One may finally have a chance. But everything just feels so wrong. My version of how the AU Episode could have continued. Mostly Addison, Derek, Mark, and Alex, other characters are mentioned.
1. Chapter 1: Into The Fire

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, except Charlotte and others I may create, they belong to Shonda Rhimes.**

 **A/N: Before we begin, I have a few things to say.**

 **This is the AU of If/Then, but you may have read that in the summary.**

 **I'm not a native English speaker. I´m from Germany, so there may be mistakes, don't kill me for that.**

 **This is also my first published story in English and my first published not-oneshot fanfiction.**

 **You may notice that all the chapters are named after songs that played in Grey's Anatomy at some point.**

 **Okay, let's start!**

 **CHAPTER 1: Into The Fire**

(Song by _Thirteen Senses_ )

It was the hardest thing Addison Montgomery Shepherd had ever done in her life. She didn't just had told her husband, that she had cheated on him. She had had to tell him, that it wasn't his baby she carried.

He just had opened towards her, had admitted something was wrong with him, and had said he was happy about the baby, was looking forward to it.

And then she had said it. Quick and painless. She had had an affair with Mark Sloan, a colleague and good friend from New York. At the time the baby had been conceived, Derek had been at a conference in London for two weeks. They barely had sex anyway and then he hadn't been here and she and Mark had had all the time and space…

Now she was 36 weeks pregnant – just another month to due date – and all the time Derek had believed it was his baby. He hadn't been happy. He was turned to himself more than ever, was home less and less, slept in the hospital to work on his clinical trial – she wasn't even sure if this trial existed - or lived in his trailer in the woods. He became a careerist, just as an excuse so he wouldn't have to come home.

Addison had built up the baby furniture alone – heavily pregnant – while he had been in the trailer. He was planning a house. For more than a year now. It wouldn't be built. And even if it would, she would never live in it. Because she had cheated on Derek and carried another man´s child. _Addison and Derek_ was over. And she couldn't have stand it any longer. McDreary was what the residents called him. And it fit perfectly. She couldn't have someone like him on her side any longer.

Mark had offered to take care of the baby a long time ago. The only requirement: She had to finally tell Derek. But she wasn't sure if Mark really meant it. He was a man whore. For him it was just about the sex. Even though he had said it, he probably didn't love her – he just wanted to trump Derek. And she… She didn't know.

How Derek was standing in front of her now. She even felt sorry for him, just a little bit. He looked at her, shocked, sadness in his eyes.

And suddenly his expression changed to anger. He turned around and before either one of them could react, his fist hit Mark's face. Blood ran down from the plastic surgeon's nose and he groaned with pain.

"Derek!" Addison explained and wanted to jump up from the couch, but her swollen belly really was in the way. "Leave him alone! It was my fault."

"But I don't hit women!" he shouted back and she winced. "Because unlike him, I have honor!"

"Mark, could you leave us alone, please?" she asked. "Look for someone to examine your nose. I have to talk to Derek… alone."

Mark nodded and left the room, his hand still on his bleeding nose.

"There's nothing to talk about, Addison", Derek growled when the door had closed.

"Let me explain…" She stood up slowly.

"No! You cheated on me! You lied to me! You told me it was my child!"

"I…"

"I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous."

"I´m sorry, Derek" Tears were streaming down her face. "But you were…"

"There´s nothing to talk about!"

"Let me finish!" she shouted as loud as loud as she could. And it was effective. He was silent. "You're never home," she said calmer. "You're finding excuses so you don't have to come home. You rather sleep in that pathetic trailer. You don't even love me anymore! And you don't care about me. You're just still with me because I'm pregnant! Otherwise you would have left me a long time ago! What happened to us? We once loved each other. Once we were happy."

"I… I don't know what happened, Addison. But something changed. And you slept with Mark." He said his ex-friend's name with as much disgust as he could. Then he left the room.

Addison was alone. Absent she looked through the window to the corridor. Some nurses and residents, including Percy and Avery, were standing there, had obviously been watching their fight.

She didn't care. In a week, if not less, everybody would know it anyway. That she was an adulterous bitch and had cheated on her husband – the man she loved, who had loved her once.

She closed the blinds and reached for a new tissue. She couldn't undo what she had done. It was too late.

She wanted to sit down on the couch, but suddenly a sharp pain flashed through her abdomen. It wasn't like when the baby kicked. It also wasn't a contraction. She didn't know what it was, but when she felt something warm and wet on her legs, she knew it wasn't good, not even normal. This was her specialty. She was supposed to know what it was. But there was a throbbing pain in her head, so hard she couldn't think. She just looked down her legs and watched blood streaming down, leaving red streaks on the grey scrubs.

She hit the floor hard and the air was pressed out of her lungs. Her sight went black. And then everything disappeared.

 **~Seven Months Ago~**

Addison sat on the cold bathroom floor. She didn´t know what she felt. It was everything and nothing at once.

Her hands were trembling and one of her feet had went numb minutes ago. She hadn't counted the time, but it had to be at least twenty minutes since she had locked the door – even if nobody else was in the apartment she would normally share with her husband. But he wasn't here. He never was. And in this twenty minutes her life had changed completely. Actually, she had almost known for certain for about nine days now. The tiredness, the tenderness of her breasts, the light abdominal cramps, the nausea and vomiting – she was an OB/GYN, after all. She was supposed to know.

But then she could pretend. She could pretend to miss the obvious signs, could pretend the tiredness was overwork, the cramps were her missing period, that came just a little bit too late. She could pretend the nausea was the flu, pretend she couldn't put all the pieces together to get her diagnosis. The diagnosis everyone could make, not just OB/GYNs, not just doctors, not just women. Everyone. She was almost lucky that Derek didn't care about her anymore, didn't notice any of the signs.

But she couldn't pretend forever. At some point she had to stop pretending it wasn't real, had to face reality. And this point had been reached days ago. But she hadn't been ready then – wasn't even ready now. But she had convinced herself to finally do something and so she had went to the drug store, bought the tests and had taken them one day after. Had taken them today, maybe twenty minutes ago.

And since then she hadn't moved. One test could lie. Five couldn't.

She hadn't shed a tear. Because she had no idea how she felt without pretending.

She just knew two things for certain.

First: She was five weeks pregnant with another man's child.

Second: She had to make a decision. She could tell Derek the truth and risk that he would most likely leave her. Or she could lie. Lie her whole life. Lie to Derek, to Mark, to the baby, to everyone else.

But there was a third option she felt ashamed to consider, to even think about. She had performed the procedure herself countless times. But it was something completely different to not be the doctor, but the mother, glad and guilty at the same time, relieved and afraid.

She had always wanted children. They had. But first they wanted to wait until after med school. Then until after internship, after residency, after their fellowships. When they had finally decided to try, she had begun her second fellowship. And after that, when her career as one of the most respected neonatal and fetal surgeons and OB/GYNs in the world had been save, it had been to late. Too much damage had been done. Her marriage had been falling apart.

She had, however, still wanted a baby. But not like this. Not if she had to lie for the rest of her life.

 **AN: So that's the first chapter. I've already finished some more, but only in my notebook, not on the computer, so I don't know when I can update. Hopefully soon.**

 **I hope you like this story and I'd be SO happy about reviews.**


	2. Chapter 2: Fix You Up

**AN: I didn't think I could upload the next chapter this fast. But here it is. Have fun!**

 **(Or don't because there are not many good things happening in this one)**

 **And a really big THANK YOU to the first two reviewers!**

 **CHAPTER 2: Fix You Up**

(Song by _Tegan and Sara_ )

When Callie Torres saw the closed blinds in one of the attendings lounges, she didn't think about anything unnormal. Maybe two doctors were making out in there – Meredith and Alex, or the Shepherds. But she decided this wouldn't stop her. In this room was a fridge with her lasagna for dinner. And she was hungry.

So she opened the door. It wasn't locked. She prepared herself to bare skin. But then it was nothing like her dirty thoughts. There was a body lying on the floor. Addison Shepherd – the good Shepherd –, Callie considered the redhead as a friend. She was pale, much too pale. And all around her… blood. She was lying in her own blood, like a lake around her slim, heavily pregnant body. And she didn't move.

"I need help!" Callie shouted and kneeled down next to Addison. She felt her pulse. It was weak and irregular, but definitely there. She was alive.

"Page Robbins!" she commanded the next nurse. In the rush she couldn't think about anybody else, who knew about children and birth. She didn't know anyone. It was Addison's department, after all. It wasn't even a minute, until Arizona stood in the doorway. "Calliope, you paged…" She stopped, when she saw the unconscious Addison on the floor. "Oh my God. That's so much blood. How long has she been lying here?"

"I don't know. I just found her here. But it can't be long. With that blood loss, she'd be dead in a few minutes."

"Okay. I need a gurney!" she called, then turned back to Callie. "I'm not sure what it is. She's the one for maternal-fetal medicine. But I think… it's the baby. How far along is she?"

"I think 36 weeks."

"Good. The baby has a high chance to survive outside the uterus. We'll get it out right now. Maybe it's a placental abruption."

Two interns came with a gurney and lifted her onto it, rushed her to the OR.

Nobody knew for certain what it was. Just one thing: If they wouldn't hurry, she would bleed out.

 **oOo**

If someone would ask Derek Shepherd how he felt, he wouldn't be able to describe it. Was it anger? Grief? Relief? All at once?

His wife had cheated on him. She had slept with a really close friend. And not just that – as if that wasn't bad enough. She was pregnant with Mark's baby and had told Derek for months, that it was his. How could she even sleep at night?

Their marriage had been damaged before. He had made mistakes, he didn't deny that. He had neglected her, had worked too much, hadn't shown any sign of happiness about this baby. The enthusiasm had disappeared. The _something_ was missing. This _something_ , that had made their love so special, so enviable, that had made them _Addison and Derek_. They were known as the perfect team at work, the perfect couple privately. They were idols for every loving couple. From the outside.

Inside it was different. He couldn't look at her, when they had been standing in the scrub room, just a few hours ago. Maybe she was right. Maybe, somehow, over the years, his love for her had disappeared. And even though he had always wanted children, he had never wanted that child, not with her. For her it had been a second chance for their marriage – or the third, or whatever. For him it had been the end, the final thing that had pushed them over the edge of the abyss.

He should be glad, that he now had a reason to finally get out of this pathetic marriage. But he wasn't. He had been married to her for more than a decade, they had been in love with each other since med school. She was family. They had experienced so much, survived so much together. In good times and bad times. In sickness and health, but not till death would do them apart. His pager went off while he finished his second scotch. 911 from Callie Torres.

"I'm sorry," he said to the woman seated next to him. "I have to go back to the hospital. An emergency."

"I'm coming with you," Meredith Webber explained.

"Not necessary. I'll go alone." He stood up and left her.

 **oOo**

Meredith didn't want to sit at the bar alone. Derek Shepherd had just been nice to her. Maybe she could scrub in with him. That would at least distract her from everything that had happened today. Alex was a fucking bastard…

She followed the head of Neuro to the hospital across the street and watched, as he stopped at the entrance to the ICU, confused. He obviously didn't know why he was here and where he should go.

There was Callie Torres. Meredith could hear their voices quietly, but she understood every word.

"Dr. Shepherd, you're here!"

"Who is it?"

"Your wife is-"

"I don't want to talk to my wife!" He spat the word _wife_ with disgust.

"But she's-"

"Page someone else, Dr. Torres!"

"Let me finish! Your wife isn't the doctor, she's the patient. They had to perform an emergency c-section. I… found her on the floor, bleeding."

"So what?" Derek shrugged, apparently disinterested.

Callie was laughing with confusion. "You became a father. You don't wanna see it?"

"I didn't become a father, Torres, I didn't. She cheated on me. This baby's father is _Mark Sloan_." He put as much hatred and disgust in pronouncing this name as he could. Meredith had no idea, who tis Sloan was, but Derek had to know him.

" _The_ Mark Sloan?" Callie asked surprised – she seemed to know him, too.

Derek nodded. "We were friends!" He turned around and spotted Meredith. "Didn't I tell you to stay in the bar?!"

She walked towards him. "Go to her. She's you wife. She needs you."

"And she almost died," Callie added. "She's in a really bad condition."

"She cheated on me! She slept with my friend! She's a dirty adulterous bitch, who lied about her baby's paternity for more than eight months! People like her don't deserve being pitied."

"My fiancé cheated on me, too," Meredith said in a low voice and stopped in front of him. "Right now she really needs you. Ignore the fact, that she's an adulterer for as long as she needs you to. I would do the same for Alex."

"But…" Tears shone in the neuro surgeon's eyes.

"You don't have to kiss her. You don't have to love her. Just tell her you're there for her. After all, you've been married to her for more than ten years."

"Okay." He nodded. "I'm going."

 **oOo**

The room smelled like every ICU did. Like disinfectant and plastic and… hospital.

The sight of his wife shocked him. She was lying in the bed, almost drowning in the big sheets. Her eyes were closed, her skin as white as snow – or as the sheets. Under her eyes were dark shadows, blue veins stood out at the places the sheets and the hospital gown didn't cover. Her otherwise silk red hair was sticky with dark dried blood.

But the worst thing were the machines she was attached to. A tube in her nose, wires for the monitor with her vitals, IVs for medicine, nutrition and liquid. He was relieved she at least wasn't intubated anymore.

He couldn't go any further, stood in the doorway and had to hold on to something, because his legs suddenly were too weak to hold him. He saw patients in this condition every day, even worse cases. But it had never been a family member or close friend – and Addison was family. It should be equal to him, after what she had done. He should hate her, go away, leave her alone. But he couldn't, even though he wanted to so badly. But he wasn't heartless. She was his wife and she needed him.

He finally was able to enter the room and sat down on the chair next to her bed. Gently he took her cold hand in his.

"When… will she wake up?" he asked a nurse, afraid to have to hear, that she would never open her eyes again.

"We set off the sedation a few minutes ago. She'll wake up soon."

Derek exhaled with relief and clasped her hand harder. She would wake up.

 **oOo**

Derek had no idea how long he had been sitting there in silence, until the next person entered the room. Mark Sloan, this bastard, his nose and left cheek swollen and shaded in green, blue and purple variations. And a smile on his face. Derek wanted to slam his fist into the other man's face again.

Mark's smile faded when he saw Derek. "What are you doing here?"

"Visiting my wife." Derek stood up and looked at Mark with a hostile expression.

"You two are over. You just have to accept it."

"Go away, Mark! And never come back here!"

"She wants me!"

"She's my wife!" he shouted.

"She delivered my baby!"

"And it's you fault that she could have died. Your baby almost killed her!"

"Leave her alone, Derek. She doesn't want to see you when she wakes up."

"Don't tell me what she wants! It's my right to be here! Go away or I'll call security!"

"Stop… it," they were suddenly interrupted by a croaking third voice.

"Addison!" both men exclaimed at the same time and turned around.

"Calm down." She opened her eyes and looked at them, tiredly. Then she looked confused through the unfamiliar room. "What happened?"

"Torres found you on the floor, bleeding," Mark explained. "They had to do an emergency c-section."

Addison's eyes fluttered and she struggled to keep them open. Then she turned to her husband. "Derek…" Her eyes betrayed sadness and guilt.

"I want a divorce," he said. "As soon as possible."

"Derek, wait… I've made a mistake. Both of us have. People make mistakes. And I love you. We're the Shepherds. Good Shepherd and Bad Shepherd. We're _Addison and Derek_. I want you…" She was sobbing, but there were no tears. She was probably too dehydrated to cry. "We can make it. If we both want to, we can forgive. I'm not the only one who did something wrong. I love you, not Mark."

"But our baby…" Mark looked confused.

"Mark, you should go back to New York. You won't get custody and you won't see the baby."

"You can't do this!" He sounded like he was about to panic.

"You and me… it was wrong. I'm in love with Derek. Please, leave."

But he didn't move.

"Back off, Mark!" Derek snapped.

And Mark actually left.

"Give us a second chance, Derek," Addison pleaded and looked up to see his face. "Just one more chance."

If he thought about it, actually it would be their fourth chance. The second had be the moving from Manhattan to Seattle. Third: The pregnancy. And now… the fourth.

"I have to think about it," he quietly answered. "Maybe…"

"Thank you," she whispered, almost inaudible.

"A nurse showed me a picture… she probably thought it was my child. She's really beautiful. I wish she was. Mine, I mean." Then he left the room but turned around in the doorway. "I'll think about it."

"About what?"

"If I can forgive you. And if I want to."

He left but didn't come very far. A few feet from the door was Meredith. She was like one of those annoying flies that followed you on every step and would never go away, until you finally caught and killed it. He had just talked to her one time.

"You listened the whole time?!" He was angry. He wasn't mad at he in particular. He was mad at everything and everyone, but especially at Mark and Addison – he felt the urge to vomit when he thought about his hands all over her naked body. And now he was shouting at random people for no reason because his whole life had just fallen apart a few hours ago. He had nothing left to lose. Ellis Grey had threatened to fire him. She could do it and it wouldn't bother him. He was a world class neuro surgeon. He would find aa new job anywhere. Nothing held him in this damn rainy city he had hated from the beginning. He would be glad if he could leave.

"No, I…" Meredith seemed even a little terrified.

"This is _private_!"

"I didn't want to…"

"You think you can do everything you want because you're the daughter of Ellis Grey! But you're wrong."

"Listen…"

"No! Go!

She left, looking at the floor.

Derek sighed. He couldn't really explain his sudden outbursts. They weren't new, he had them for months now. Most of the time they ended in arguing or really bad fights with Addison. He couldn't explain why he hurt all the people around him – so badly Addison had slept with someone else. It had started, when he had stopped loving his wife.

 **~One And A Half Years Ago~**

"I'll call him." His wife was running circles in the living room of their Manhattan Brownstone.

"We shouldn't make precipitant decisions." Her restlessness stressed him.

"We have to do something, _anything_. At some point it will be too late."

"But there are other options, Addison!"

"But this is the only one that will work. A sudden change of… everything! When we just have each other and nobody else, we _have_ to-"

"Addie, don't you think that's a little bit too much? I mean, we can move to Brooklyn. Or back to Connecticut, or something. But across the whole country to some random city that's rainy all the time?"

"Derek, we need a change. The more, the better. I'll call him."

"Addie…"

But she had already disappeared to the kitchen – in the eight years they had lived in this house, she had cooked in there one time and almost set the house on fire – to talk alone.

He understood, that there was something wrong with their marriage. But couldn't they deal with it in another way than moving to a place they had never been before, where they only knew one person, leaving behind all their friends, their families, everything they knew?

They had discussed, argued and fought all day and she had decided to something, that would help them save their marriage. Like all the other decisions, she had made it alone. His opinion didn't count. Maybe that was their problem: that they were both stubborn, she just a little more than he was.

He heard her stressed voice from the kitchen. "Richard!" she exclaimed. "Yeah, it's Addison. Really, it's me. Your wife is chief of surgery at your hospital, right? Yes, I'm calling for jobs. We could be heads of Neonatal and Neuro? That's great, Richard! We'll get there as soon as we can. A few days to get our stuff across the country and we'll start. Thank you so much!"

And a few seconds later she was back in the living room. "He said…"

Derek interrupted, annoyed. "I heard everything, you were talking loud enough to double my headache." He touched his throbbing forehead.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

"I am…" She seemed annoyed, too. But then, suddenly, she got enthusiastic again. "We can be heads of our departments, Derek. That's perfect"

"Yeah." He turned away."

"Come on, honey. We can… start from zero and be as great as at the beginning of our marriage again."

"Maybe." How could she be this confident about her idea? It wasn't a great idea, even if she was thinking that, and he had secretly prayed Richard wouldn't offer the jobs so he could stay in New York – but then, it was Richard and he had always had a soft spot for Addison. Derek didn't want a change. And maybe he didn't even want a second chance. Maybe _Addison and Derek_ just wasn't supposed to be.

 **AN: That was chapter two. I hope you like it!**

 **I know it's a little unrealistic, that Arizona would perform this kind of surgery. But I couldn't think of anyone else and I didn't want to let Nicole Herman or Lucy Fields do it, because I don't like both of them. Who knows, maybe in this Alternate Universe Arizona already did or began the fetal surgery fellowship, but chose to go back to peds because Addison already was head of Neonatal and Fetal and they didn't need someone else?**

 **Also, I just realised, that the stars I added to part the different parts of the chapter, just disappeared. If somebody knows how to put in something like lines to show where the different POVs end, maybe you could explain it to me via PM?**

 **I would really appreciate some reviews. That keeps me motivated and lets me know if I should continue.**


	3. Chapter 3: Sink Or Swim

**AN: I'm back, this time with a** _ **really**_ **long chapter (about 4,000 words). It includes a lot of dialogue and back story, but I hope you understand everything. If not, feel free to ask.**

 **Also, this chapter's song isn't from Grey's, it's from Private Practice. I decided to include those song titles, same for Station 19. Sink or Swim is playing in one of my favorite episodes. It's the one where Mark flies out to LA, so Addison can operate on his daughter Sloan, and Maddison are happily together for like two days, for the last time we see on screen.**

 **To luvaddek and the guest reviewer: I won't confirm if it's an Addek story and I never said it would or wouldn't include MerDer. The first chapters are mostly about who Addison will choose. I would take all the suspense, right? Read the story and you'll see ;)**

 **But now let's get into that big, big chapter.**

 **CHAPTER 3: Sink Or Swim**

(Song by _Tyrone Wells_ )

Mark's life had changed completely in just a few hours. Had turned into hell.

He had had everything he needed. A job in New York as one of the highest paid plastic surgeons in the country, money, a house, and there had been a woman, who loved him – he knew, even though she had never said it. They had thought about going back to New York, before Derek had entered the attending's lounge. They could have become a happy family. He would have been a father.

And now everything was bad. This woman didn't love him, had just pretended, had left him for her broken marriage. She rather wanted to be with her husband, who had once been Mark's friend. They had taken his baby. He was alone again.

Tears were streaming down his face, while he was sitting on the floor of an empty corridor somewhere in Seattle Grace Hospital, drowning in self-pity. Really, it was embarrassing. But he loved Addison. And now she was gone. Like everything else.

He heard quiet wheelchair wheels on the linoleum floor and quickly wiped away the tears.

When he looked up, the junky sat in front of him. She was awake? He hadn't noticed. The last hours he had just worried about Addison – and his daughter –, not about some random junky he had almost hit with his car.

"You don't look like a man, who would cry," the young woman said and smiled.

"I don't cry." Once more he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Yes, you do. Lies are useless. I saw it. So… What's wrong?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Because I'm nice and you saved me and I won't tell a soul."

"Well… I had an affair. No, it was more than that. I loved her and I'm pretty sure she loved me, too. But she's married to a friend of mine. She got pregnant, it's my child. Now the baby's born and she told her husband and he punched me." He pointed to his swollen face. "But she wants him, even though he hates her now. She doesn't want me to have custody for my daughter!"

"There's only one option."

"That would be?"

"A lawsuit."

"And everyone will know, that I slept Derek Shepherd's wife and she dumped me. No, thanks."

"The woman is Addison Shepherd? The neonatal Surgeon?" She laughed.

"Why do you know her?"

"I did research about this hospital." She lowered her voice. "I have a sister. She's a doctor in this hospital."

"Really?"

"Yes!" She turned the wheelchair around and drove a few feet, then stopped. "You're welcome. For the advice with the lawsuit. You should do it."

"Wait! I don't even know your name."

"Lucille Ball. Look into my chart."

"I mean your real name."

She smiled. "Lexie. But don't tell anyone."

"Lexie? Beautiful name. I'm Mark."

"I know." She drove back to him.

"Why? I don't work here."

"You saved me." She took his chin and pulled him up to her height, then placed a soft kiss to his lips. "Thanks for that."

"You're welcome." He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. "Not again."

 **oOo**

Alex Karev hated how his life was at the moment. He had had everything he had wished for. He had gotten engaged last night! And just now his affair with April Kepner had come to light. An affair he never should have begun, he didn't even know why he had done it. He was happy with Meredith! But once it had started, he just couldn't stop.

His shift had ended hours ago. But now it was way past midnight. He had turned around in the parking lot and had come back to the hospital. He needed something to distract himself. While he worked, he wouldn't have time to think about his mistakes – hopefully.

He was looking for something to do, so he went through the ICU. His gaze just went roughly over the patients. Most of them were sleeping or not even conscious. Just a few were awake. Like a woman that caught his gaze. A very familiar woman. And she was crying.

"Dr. Shepherd?" he asked and stopped in the doorway.

She sniffled and wiped the tears. "Karev? What are you doing here? I thought the 5th year residents were off tonight."

"Yeah, they are." He entered the room. "But I needed a distraction."

"From what?"

"I proposed yesterday and now my relationship is… broken. Why are you here." They both knew just didn't want to talk about the topic, so he distracted with another question.

"I collapsed in a lake of my own blood." She sighed. "Nobody knows why. But it had something to do with the baby."

"The baby? Is it born yet?"

"They had to get it out. Otherwise I would have bled out."

She was pale, he now noticed. Very pale. And she didn't look very healthy. "The other Dr. Shepherd isn't here?" he asked.

"It isn't just your relationship that's broken, Karev." Her eyes shimmered with tears again. "My marriage was damaged for a long time. And now I've made a big mistake and everything is worse than it's ever been."

"You too? I cheated on my fiancée."

"Really? That makes two of us. I gave birth to another man's child just a few hours ago." She laughed with irony.

"Oh. That's…"

"Just say it. I'm an adulterous whore, who lied to her husband for more than eight months."

"We should open a club. I had an affair with her best friend."

"Oh, did I mention that my lover was an old friend of my husband's? We've got so many similarities He wants to go to New York with me. He isn't declared as the father on the birth certificate, so he won't have custody."

"Our lives are goddamn crap." He laughed and sat down on the chair beside Addison's bed.

"They are. Welcome to the club of cheaters and adulterers. We should stick together." For a moment nobody talked, they just grinned. They were so similar.

"I wanna see her. My baby, I mean. They won't let me," she broke the silence and took a picture from the little table, somebody must have given it to her.

"And they're right. You're not able to go there and children aren't allowed in the ICU."

He looked at the picture admired the similarity to her mother. Red hair. He smiled. "What's her name?"

Addison exhaled deeply. "She doesn't have one. Derek was never home… We never talked about it. It's not even his!"

"But she should have a name. Any ideas? You must have thought at it, considered some yourself."

"I really like the name Charlotte. And Josephine."

"Charlotte Josephine. Isn't that a great name?"

"Charlotte Josephine Montgomery! That sounds… That sounds good."

"Not Shepherd? I mean, your name is Shepherd, your husband's name is Shepherd…"

"He's not the father and I don't want it to be Sloan. So she gets mine."

"I didn't know you have a second last name. It was always just Addison Shepherd – or the good Shepherd."

Addison laughed. "Actually, Karev, I've got _three_. Three last names and two first names. I'm Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery. But no one calls me that."

"That's… long."

"It is." She changed the subject. "Can you… go look at her later? For me? I can't…"

"I can… Addison?" It felt different to call her by her first name – one of her first names. He felt comfortable, it felt intimate. It felt right.

"It's okay, Alex. We're a team, remember?"

He nodded. "Can I see the picture."

She gave it to him.

"She's so cute," Alex said and smiled. "She is." Once more he saw how tears formed in her eyes – the hormones controlled her emotions. And just in this moment a third person entered the room.

Addison looked up and her eyes darkened. "Mark, I told you to leave."

"Look out for a good lawyer, Addison," the man simply said. "I'll sue for custody. You can't take my child away from me." He turned around and was gone as suddenly as he had appeared.

She stared after him and Alex could see more tears.

"That's your lover?" Alex asked, surprised, to interrupt her numbness. "Mark Sloan?"

"Why do _you_ know Mark Sloan?" She looked at him.

"Everyone knows him. He's the best plastic surgeon on the east coast! And he's Charlottes father?" _She hast really good genes_ , he wanted to add, but that would be inappropriate.

Addison sighed. "Yes, he is. He was in med school with me and Derek… we were best friend, then. And really good friends for a long time. Derek and I got married and he... he was always around. But our marriage got… damaged. One and a half years ago, we moved to Seattle to begin again. We hoped… that it would get better. But we were wrong. About nine months ago Mark came to Seattle Presbyterian for a case. Derek didn't even know he was here because he's never home, always in this stupid trailer in the woods. And then… I cheated on him. It just happened and I never told him. We had an affair for three weeks, until Mark had to go back to New York. In this three weeks Derek had been away over a week to visit a conference in London. We were alone. It took me weeks, Derek was already back, to notice something was different. And another nine days to have the courage to take the damn pregnancy test. I thought… I thought the baby could make everything better." Tears were falling down her cheeks. "I thought we had another chance. Until I realized – shortly before taking the test – that it was… conceived, when Derek had been in London. He cared so little about me and the pregnancy, that he didn't even notice. Everybody thinks we're the perfect couple. How can you bee so blind? We haven't been perfect in a long time. Maybe we never were." She looked at her daughter's picture again. "I told Mark when I was about three months along. I called him and he was happy and wanted to come here. I said Derek didn't know about us and I wanted him to think it was his, so we could try again. I believed Mark accepted it, but obviously he didn't. He came here and pushed me to tell Derek, wanted me to come back to New York with him. I didn't want to… Telling my husband only made it worse. And now here I am. I have a husband who wants a divorce, a mistress who will sue for custody, and a bastard baby without a father."

Alex had been listening he whole time and now reached for her hand, trying to comfort her. But he had no idea what to say.

"Why did I just tell you?" She sniffled. "I never talked about it to anyone."

"Probably because we're so similar. Only I don't have such a story. I messed up every relationship I ever had. I thought I finally found the love of my life. And then I did what I swore to myself to never do again. I cheated on her. Two days ago I proposed, and yesterday I continued my affair with her best friend – who, by the way, pretends to still be a virgin. Yang caught us and told everyone in the resident's room."

"We're so nasty. So pathetic, Alex." She smiled and clasped his hands firmer. "We're disgusting adulterers. We're whores." She lifted his chin so he had to look into these beautiful grey eyes. "And Alex? If you cheated on her, you probably did it for a reason. Maybe you aren't supposed to marry."

He shrugged. "Maybe you're right." Then he changed the subject. "Can I stay? I need a distraction and… I don't wanna be home alone. Can I sleep here?"

"If the chair is enough… sure, I could use some company, too."

"Thanks, Addison."

 **oOo**

Addison woke up from someone clearing their throat. She opened her eyes and saw the face of Arizona Robbins.

"Dr. Robbins." She yawned and looked to the side of the bed. On the chair was Alex Karev. And he was still asleep snoring softly, glasses still on.

The events of the last night shot through her mind. First Derek, then Mark. The Karev had appeared. They had talked through the night and at some point, she had fallen asleep. He too, obviously."

"Dr. Shepherd, your condition is much better. Your BP is almost normal. If it stays that way, you can probably leave the ICU by tomorrow."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 2 PM. Long night?" The blonde woman pointed towards Alex, the famous wide smile on her lips.

"We're similar. Very similar."

In this moment he opened his eyes. "Oh, hey," he murmured "I… Crap! I have to work!" He jumped to his feet and ran but stopped in the doorway. "Thank you for last night, Addison." Then he left.

Arizona laughed. "If I didn't know you were attached to all those monitors and had a c-section less than 24 hours ago, I'd think something completely different."

"We just talked!"

"I know. Now, seriously. I came to talk about your surgery."

"Do you finally know what it was? I know, I'm supposed to know, it's my specialty, but…"

"I've known it for certain since I stood in that OR. I didn't want to tell you before because I thought… your condition was too bad, maybe you couldn't take it. I could have told your husband, but that he isn't here – hasn't been around all day – proves, that something is wrong with you two."

"Right."

"So… it looks like you had a placental abruption, grade 3. You had much bleeding and you're lucky that your baby is okay. You know, that at this grade it isn't uncommon, that the fetus doesn't survive."

"I should have known."

"No, you shouldn't have known anything. You're still weak. You're so pale… I don't see patients this pale very often. Your skin is almost white and you're cold as ice. We had to replace your whole blood volume one and a half times. You were bleeding so hard I had almost done a complete hysterectomy, because it wouldn't stop. You were lucky it did seconds before I wanted to take the scalpel. You coded two times and we had to reanimate you. You have three broken ribs from the compressions. If it hadn't happened in the hospital, if Callie hadn't found you that fast, I'm sure you wouldn't be alive now. Maybe you can leave the ICU soon, but you've got a long road of recovery ahead, until you can go home."

"One moment I'm completely healthy and really consider leaving Seattle with the father of my child. And the next moment I'm lying on the table, dying. I thought everything was fine. She's healthy."

"Sometimes it just happens without any signs. But you know that."

"Yes, I know that. But I didn't think it would happen to me."

"I don't think it was a normal placental abruption. Nothing logical would explain why you died two times and your daughter is as healthy as a baby can be."

"Medicine isn't logical. Illness and accidents aren't. Death isn't logical. Nothing in this world is. Some things just happen. There's a lot we don't know about the human body, especially the brain. So don't worry. You did what you could and you saved my life. And my baby's." She smiled. "Can I see Charlotte?"

"You know she can't come here. But maybe tomorrow, when you're out of here."

"Okay. Thanks, Dr. Robbins…. For saving us." But she wasn't satisfied with Arizona's answer. How could she wait this long to finally meet her baby for the first time, to finally hold her and caress her tiny cheek?

"Of course. I'm a surgeon. I'm supposed to save people." The blonde smiled.

"But this isn't your specialty."

"No, it's yours. And I know how to do it. When you can't, it's my turn to operate." Both women looked at each other in silence, until Arizona cleared her throat. "You want to go back to New York? With your husband?"

"No. I thought about taking the offer of Charlotte's father to leave my husband and go back to New York."

"Derek Shepherd is… He isn't the father?

Addison shook her head.

"Does he know."

"I told him yesterday. He punched Mark and both left. A few minutes later I was lying on the ground."

"Mark? Is it Mark Sloan?

The redhead sighed. "Alex reacted the same way. Yes, I cheated on my husband with _the_ Mark Sloan. I've known him for a long time, he visited Seattle, I slept with him and he got me pregnant."

"I don't really need to know this." Arizona smiled again. "I have to go see my other patients now."

"Okay."

And with that the cheerful surgeon was gone.

 **~20 Hours Ago~**

Addison sat on the couch of the attending's lounge, tears streaming down her face, ruining her makeup, that had been flawless before, but was now a black mess around her eyes. Every few seconds she patted them away with a tissue, but they came back. She wanted to make the hormones responsible for her emotions, for her outbursts, for her messed up feelings. But she knew it wasn't the pregnancy's fault. This time it wasn't something like taking away her sandwich, that caused the tears. It was something that really mattered, that was important. It was her marriage falling apart.

She had never felt this bad. She had known for months, that it wasn't like in the beginning, maybe even for years.

When they had moved to Seattle she had really believed something would change – he hadn't and she knew that. And he had been right. They had continued exactly where they had left off in Manhattan.

And Mark had been there when Derek hadn't.

Because Derek didn't love her anymore. Why should she fight when he didn't want her?

She had to give up. If she wouldn't, she would break down at some point.

She was already weak. She couldn't tell him about her baby's true paternity. It was pathetic, because it was only four weeks to due date. She had had months, but she just couldn't.

She didn't even know how she felt for Mark. Was it just an affair? Was it still their long friendship? Or did she love him? Was she really in love with him? She had had the chance to find out. He had offered to come to Seattle if she wanted him to, they could have gone back to New York together – after all, she still had two houses there – and he would have helped her raise their daughter. But she had chosen Derek. Wrong decision, probably. But would she be happy with Mark now? She could have found out. But it was too late.

Maybe it wasn't?

She stroked her belly, absently, when the door opened. She turned around and there he was. Mark Sloan.

She hadn't seen him in more than eight months and she really hadn't expected him to show up here. But, however, she didn't feel anything, except fear, He would ask her again and she had no ide what to answer. She loved Derek and she wanted their marriage to work. But it would never be the same again. He hadn't really said it, but somehow he had – he didn't love her and didn't want this baby. Her husband didn't want her.

"Mark?" she whispered, her voice shaking.

"Here you are, Red. I was looking for you." He seemed happy. Happiness was what she needed.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in New York." She saw the blood on his shirt. "What happened?"

"I know, Addie, a few months ago you said you didn't want me and you would raise my child with Derek. And I tried to accept it. I tried hard. But I don't want to live without you and our baby, I know that now. I love you."

This was Mark Sloan. He was a man whore. He didn't love and she knew that. At least she had thought so. The Mark Sloan she had known for the past 16 years of her life would have been glad he wasn't supposed to raise a child. But he had come back.

"So I came here," he continued. "On the way from the airport some junky ran in front of my car. It's all her blood, not mine. So… will you leave everything behind and run away with me?"

It wasn't good, that he was here. It wasn't good, that he had offered again. Because it meant she had to decide. Not eventually, in the near or not so near future. Now.

Option one: She would say no, he would leave and probably don't bother her again, and she would continue what was left of her marriage.

Option two: She would say yes, tell Derek and would go back to New York, get divorced and find out if she could be happy without her husband.

Option three: She would say no but tell Derek and raise a baby on her own, without any help.

There was no other option. She couldn't just wait, because she knew Mark wouldn't offer again. She had to decide now.

Mark looked down at her swollen belly and she was afraid he would touch it. But he didn't. He just stared for a few seconds, and then spoke again. "I'll wash my shirt in the bathroom." He pointed to the door on her left. "And when I'm ready, you can tell me." He smiles and disappeared.

She had a few minutes to make the decision she would maybe regret for the rest of her life.

And when Derek was suddenly standing in front of her and stammered what he had done wrong, she knew what to do.

She had to tell him.

And then she would go from there, spontaneously, depending on how he would feel then.

But everything could change in just a second. And so it did, when, just a few minutes later, the world went black.

 **AN: Congratulations. If you're reading this you really made it through. I hope you liked it and want to share your opinion with me by writing a review.**

 **Also, I still couldn't figure out how to part the different POVs, everything I tried just failed.**


	4. Chapter 4: Back Where I Was

**AN: I probably can't update very fast in the next weeks, because school began. But here you have chapter 4. And thanks to the reviewers and followers. I really appreciate you leaving your opinion.**

 **CHAPTER 4: Back Where I Was**

(Song by _The Hereafter_ )

Lying around the whole day was boring. Especially when none of the normally so nice nurses would make an exception and allow Charlotte in the ICU.

So she had stood up. Even with the almost unbearable pain of the incision and the broken ribs. She had just increased the dose of painkillers – noted it in her chart, of course –, turned off the monitors so they wouldn't betray the effort, and had used the metal frame of the IV for support to walk her first steps in agony.

To the chair next to the door. There she had sunk down, moaning with pain, moisture in her eyes, sweat on her forehead, panting and definitely not the strength to go back. The only thing she could do was wait, because the button to call a nurse was next to the bed, too far away to reach.

Why did she have such a stupid idea? She had had to know it wouldn't work.

But she was a mother – even if not for long – and mothers didn't think logical, when I was about their child. She couldn't just lie around, when her baby wasn't here. She had never seen her in real life, just this picture. And now she was sitting there and couldn't do anything.

She waited, waited long, listening to the tick-tock of the clock on the wall. And then, finally, he stood in front of her.

"Thank God, Alex!" she exclaimed regretted the loud noise immediately, when the throbbing in her head got worse.

"Addison, what the hell do you think you're doing?" He looked down at her, frowning.

"I wanted to go see Charlotte."

"You wanted to _walk_? Are you insane? You had abdominal surgery less than 24 hours ago. You died! Two times!"

"Actually, I walked. But I didn't come any further. Just to this chair. And not back."

He chuckled. "You deserve that."

"I guess I do." She smiled softly. "Help me?"

"I'll bring you back to this bed. Bu you're not getting out of this room."

"Please?" She looked at him, pleading. "I have no one here. I _need_ to see my baby."

"Out of question. You need to rest, so your incision can heal properly."

"Just ten minutes?"

"No. I was there not even an hour ago. She's fine."

"Aleeex…"

"I said no."

She sighed. "When I'm back at work, you can scrub in on my first surgery."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, first three."

"Five. And c-sections don't count."

Deal. Now help me stand up."

"Not like this." He lifted the hospital gown to Check the incision, then the ribs and bruises. He noted everything in her chart and then looked at her, confused. "You didn't really increase your medication by yourself, did you?"

She looked back, guilty. "It hurt when I walked. And I don't nurse yet, so…"

"Of course it hurts, that's why you're not supposed to walk!" He chuckled again. "You're unbelievable." Then he lowered the dose again and got a wheelchair. Slowly he helped her sit.

She hated the feeling of being the patient, not the doctor. She didn't have any control, she couldn't make decisions. The only time she had ever been a patient had been when she had been eleven and had had an appendectomy – but you couldn't compare that to her current condition. She definitely liked it better to be the doctor, to save lives.

 _It's a beautiful day to save lives!_ Years ago, Derek had used to say this before every surgery. Back, when they had been happy, when he had been one of the best neuro surgeons in the country, when he had been motivated, when he hadn't been McDreary.

Alex drove the wheelchair silently along the corridors to the NICU – after all, Charlotte was born in week 35+5, still premature, underweighted, small, and slightly underdeveloped, but completely healthy.

And there she saw an uninvited face. With a hissed "Alex" she got him to stop and pointed towards the man in front of her baby's incubator.

"Sloan's here?" he asked in a low voice. "What is he doing here?"

She shrugged. "He shouldn't be here. He has no right-"

"He has temporary surgical privileges at Seattle Grace, Ellis gave them to him. He's allowed to go anywhere surgeons are allowed to. Even to the NICU."

He pushed the wheelchair further, so the automatic door opened, and in this moment Mark turned around.

"Addison."

"Mark, what are you doing here?" She saw how Alex left to let them talk privately.

"I'm visiting our daughter. She has your hair. And my nose, and definitely my eyes. And Charlotte Josephine is a beautiful name. You just need to put a _Sloan_ to the end and-"

"Get away from her, Mark!"

"Why, Addie? I really don't understand. Why are you rather taking Derek than me? He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. I do."

"He said he'd think about-"

Her ex-lover interrupted. "Just that he has to think about it proves, that you're not supposed to be together. If you would, he would know. I love you. And you said you loved me, too."

"But…"

He raised a hand to silence her. "We have a child, Red. We could go to New York, as soon as you can leave the hospital, and we could start again. As a family."

"I love him, Mark." It probably sounded more desperate, than she had intended to. And it felt so good to just let the tears fall.

"But he doesn't love you. And you know it. Why are you still holding on to him?" He walked towards her and kneeled down. "I'll do anything you want. If it's what you want, I'd even marry you."

"That's not what I want. Are you Derek? No? Then you can't do what I want." She sniffled. "And now… go, please."

"I tried this way. But you can't take away my child. We made her together. We can raise her together, or one of us can do it alone. And I'll do everything I can to be that one. I won't give up. I won't have mercy. But you'll regret it."

"You can't force feelings!"

"Why did you say it, then? Why did we have sex? Was it just about the fun? Because for me it wasn't. We wouldn't have a child if we hadn't done it. We wouldn't need to fight about it if you had just been loyal towards Derek. And you wouldn't have died two times!" he stood up, so he could look down at her.

"So this whole thing is my fault? Because I cheated on Derek?" And when she thought about it, it was actually true. But she would never admit that. "Can you please just go away? Just for a few days, so I can think. And when you come back, I've made a decision, okay?" She just had talked faster than she had thought, and said things she hadn't even realized herself. That she felt something for him. That she could imagine to live with him, was just insecure.

"So you're considering it?"

She nodded and wiped the tears. "At least I really loved you. And I don't know how I feel right now. Everything is messy. I died two times, became a mother, told my husband I cheated on him, and I'll have to stay in this hospital for weeks. Everything changed and my life is a mess. But I loved you and maybe… Maybe I still do."

"Good." He smiled. "Do you want to hold her?" He pointed towards Charlotte,

"Yes."

He laid her daughter into her arms and it was the most beautiful thing Addison had ever seen. It felt so right to finally hold her. She was sleeping, and for a few seconds both parents just looked at her. Until he moved again.

"Bye, Addie. I'll see you in a few days." He squeezed her shoulder, so she looked up and smiled at him.

"Bye, Mark."

And then he left the room.

 **oOo**

It had been just a few minutes, until Alex came back, but it had been the best few minutes since – probably since she had arrived in Seattle one and a half years ago. Because she had spent them with her daughter.

"Visiting hours are over, Addison," Alex explained.

"No, I know they're not."

"Visiting hours are over for _you_ , then." He took Charlotte from her arms – while she was protesting loudly – and carried her back to the incubator. Then he pushed the wheelchair through the door. "I'll get in trouble, anyway, because I let you leave your bed," he muttered, almost inaudible. Then he raised his voice again. "How did it go with Sloan?"

 **oOo**

Alex had suddenly stopped in the middle of the corridor, and stared at his boss and patient.

"Marry?!" he stammered in shock. "Yesterday you told be you'd fight in court and today you want to marry him?!"

"I didn't say that." She laughed because of his expression. "I said he suggested we could raise our daughter together and if I want to, we could even get married. And I'm considering it – not the marrying part, but the raising our child together part."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. And now get me back to bed, or you'll be in even more trouble."

They were in silence for some time, until Alex spoke again.

"And you really want to-"

"I'm thinking about it, Alex."

"Good."

Silence again. Until they reached her room, where a really stressed Derek was standing next to her empty bed.

"Addison!" he exclaimed. "Where have you been?" From his facial expression she could tell he had really worried.

"Alex and I were visiting Charlotte."

"Alex?"

"Dr. Karev." She pointed towards the resident behind her.

"Charlotte?"

"My baby."

"Oh." Just these two words and she could see pain in his eyes. She had hurt him.

"I'm sorry, Derek," she whispered.

"I know, Addie. But that doesn't make it better or… undone. I was really going to try. Maybe we could have fixed our marriage."

She heard Alex's footsteps as he was quietly leaving the room. "You said that last time, too. And what happened to us?"

"I don't know, Addison. I don't know anything anymore. Just… that it isn't my baby." He helped her from the wheelchair to the bed and reconnected the monitors.

"I don't want to be… bound to this bed, Derek. I hate it."

"I know." He stroked through hair. The blood had been washed off it roughly by a nurse, a few hours ago. "But you have to and soon you'll be better."

"Why did you come, by the way?"

"I wanted to…"

But she didn't hear the rest. She didn't hear anything, because the pain in her forehead so bad it took everything, and she couldn't think. There was a sharp pain in the left side of her chest, too. She got dizzy and the world went dark. Then everything disappeared. Again.

 **oOo**

Derek just stood there, helplessly, when the monitors began to beep loud. Addison made a stertorous noise and her head fell back.

Ventricular fibrillation. Tachycardia! What was he supposed to do?

For a few seconds he couldn't move, had forgotten his whole medicinal education, could just stare.

"Code blue!" he was finally able to yell, and he pressed the button next to him."

"Code blue in the ICU," the mechanic voice repeated over and over, accompanied by a howling alarm.

Karev was the first one to enter the room with a defibrillator. He ripped open her gown and took the pedals, gave orders to the nurses and electro shocks to Addison's limp body.

And eventually, at some point – he had no idea how long it was, it could have been seconds or hours –, his wife took a gasping breath, and her heartbeat was normal again.

"We have to sedate her again," he heard a nurse's voice from far away.

He felt Karev's hand on his shoulder, and suddenly found himself in Callie Torres' arms – however and whenever she had gotten here.

His reaction proved one thing, right? He still felt something – _anything_ – for Addison, and it was strong. He couldn't leave her. Not now, when she was fighting for her life.

 **~16 Years Ago~**

"Come on, Derek. You're not a coward, are you?"

"I'm not a coward, Mark!" Derek felt his best friend's hand on his shoulder and looked at him. "But…"

"No buts." He pointed towards the young woman, who was sitting on a table in Yale's cafeteria. "She's hot and she likes you. What can go wrong?"

"What can go wrong?!" Derek was very close to panicking. " _Everything_ can go wrong. Maybe she thinks I'm too poor, in comparison to her wealth. Or she thinks I'm disgusting. Or smelling. Or-"

"Just di it already, Derek!" Mark was laughing. "Take a deep breath and go there."

"Okay. Okay, I'll do it." He inhaled deeply a few times, and then went towards the table.

He admired everything about her. Her tall size, her tanned and soft-looking skin, her perfect, long legs, her pale grey eyes, her beautiful smile, her scent. But mostly it was that fiery red hair, that caught his attention every time he saw her. When he had seen her for the first time, over the cadaver they had shared with Mark, Sam and Naomi in Gross Anatomy Class, he had known he wanted to get to know her better. And when their eyes had locked for the first time, she had had him. He had begun to imagine their future, which was ridiculous, because at that time he had never even talked to her.

"Hey, Addison." He sat down across from her, sweating hands, looking towards Mark – who was standing a few tables away –, uncertain if it was the right thing to do, but the other man shot him a reassuring look.

"Derek!" She looked up from her salad and smiled softly.

And he was freaking out on the inside, but tried to stay calm. "I just wanted to ask… Why are you sitting here alone?"

Mark looked slightly annoyed.

"Oh, you know, Naomi and Sam went to the library, and… I don't really know anybody else."

"Well, you know me. And Mark."

"Yeah." She took another fork of salad, and he just stared at her moving jar, while she chewed it.

"Derek?"

He looked up, embarrassed.

"Everything all right?"

He nodded.

"You wanna get something to eat, too, or…"

"I'm not hungry. I'll just… sit with you."

"Okay. That's nice." She smiled again.

Mark looked as if he was about to interrupt them and ask Addison himself, but he didn't. And Derek was really thankful for that.

"Where's Mark, by the way? You guys are always together." She interrupted the awkward silence between them.

"Over there. He's talking to some other students, I think."

She turned around to see that Mark had indeed picked up some random students to pretend to talk. Then she got her attention back to Derek. "You two are really close, right? How long do you know each other?"

He shrugged. "Since we were little boys. We grew up together. Between four sisters, he was like the brother I never had." He decided not to tell the part that Mark had really grown up in the Shepherd's home, because his parents didn't care.

"Four sisters? That's much." She laughed.

"Yeah, it is. You have siblings, too."

"Actually, my brother is here two. Third year."

"Nice. Addison, I…" He paused.

"Yeah?" She smiled again. How he loved that smile, and those eyes, and…

"I wanted to ask you something."

Her smile grew even wider, and that gave him the courage to finally ask.

"Can I take you out for a coffee or something?"

"Sure you can! I'd love to!" And her smile got impossibly big, showing her perfectly white teeth.

"Good." He was smiling, too, and so was Mark behind her back. "How about tomorrow, lunch break?"

"It's perfect, Derek!" Then she lowered her enthusiastic voice. "Where are you gonna take me?"

"You decide."

"Really? Do you know this small café at Amistad Park, just a few blocks away? I'd like to go there. They make the best vanilla latte. And I love vanilla."

Derek chuckled. That would be a no-go for Mark. His best friend hated everything that included the slightest bit of vanilla. "Then we'll go there."

At least that meant Mark would never steal her, like he'd done with some of his girlfriends over the years. If he had only known, then.

 **oOo**

 **AN: A lot changed in this chapter and Addison is back where she was in the beginning. And I honestly really like this flashback. You could write a whole first date story from it.  
I would love some more reviews. Next chapter is hopefully coming soon.**


	5. Chapter 5: Anger

**AN: Took me a long time to finish this one, but school is really keeping me busy. But here it finally is. Hope you like it.**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 5: Anger**

 **oOo**

"She will maybe give me a chance." Mark sat down in the chair in Lucille's – Lexie's room. "She's thinking about it."

"Really?" She sat up. "That's good."

He nodded. "We have a child, and we could be a family. I love her."

"But don't have your hopes too high. I mean, who would give up a handsome guy like Derek Shepherd for… you."

"Ouch. That hurt."

"Sorry." She laughed. "But seriously. She's _married_ to that man."

"But she has my baby."

"True."

"I love her, Lexie. And I need her. And now I'll leave the hospital for a few days, so she can thin. Then I'll come back and finally have a family."

"Maybe."

"Maybe." He smiled. "See you then, Lexie."

"Bye, my savior."

They were both laughing, when he left the room.

He passed the entrance to the ICU, when he heard an alarm.

"Code blue in the ICU."

Through the glass doors he could see a resident – Karev if he remembered right – with a crash cart. And he ran into one of the rooms.

The remoted room.

The room he had been in not a long time ago, which's occupant he had seen just a few minutes before.

Addison's room.

He couldn't move, just watch. He heard Karev shouting orders, and he saw Derek on the side. Since when did this son of a bitch care about his wife?

"Sir, you can't go in there!" It was a stressed looking, female attending with black hair, standing right in front of him. He was sure he had never seen her before.

"I'm a doctor."

"But not in this hospital, right?"

"I've got surgical privileges here…"

"I don't care. We don't need you in there. She's a colleague, and I need to be in there. So would you please step aside and let me in?"

He didn't move. "I don't know her. Addison is-"

"Move to the side!" she commanded, and this time he did. She ran into the room, which now was silent again.

He could just hope, because last time he tried to visit her, the nurses had thrown him out, because Derek told them to. He would never get information from him, and from nobody else.

But from Derek leaving the room, looking furious and dragging Karev with him, he could conclude that she had made it.

And he left. When he would come back in a few days, she would be better. Hopefully.

 **oOo**

Derek was angry. Furious, even. He almost never yelled, except in the last hours and days, which had been awful, filled with disappointment, fear and anger.

And now he was standing in his office, Karev I front of him, and he yelled at him. He clearly wasn't himself. He was stressed and in panic. She had been okay! And now she may not make it.

"You took her out of bed, even with clear orders not to do so, and brought her to the NICU?!"

"I didn't take her out of bed." Alex was silent, not how he knew the chatty and pert resident. "She stood up on her own and begged me to. She's a mother, and they took away her child."

"They didn't _take it away_! It needs help, as does she. And rest! Women can't see their babies every day! She's not extraordinary! She's nothing special."

"She was stable and she was fine."

"She obviously wasn't fine! She was in pain, and she lied to you about it. That's what she's good at. Lies." He didn't want to say those things. But it just slipped out.

"I understand, that you hate her for what she did. And that you're angry, Shepherd. But don't let that out be insulting her and yelling at me. She was fine."

"And you overstrained her!"

"I didn't want to do it, at first. But she's lonely. Nobody's there for here, nobody cares. What is she supposed to do?"

"She screwed up with everyone who would have. It's her own fault." He stood with his face to the wall and breathed deeply to calm himself down.

"There are two sides to every story. I know that. But from what she told me, you didn't care for a long time. Just about work and stuff like that, but not about her. She was desperate. She didn't know what to do."

"Don't tell me how my wife feels," Derek growled and turned back to face him.

"I did the same thing. For other reasons, but I get how she feels. She regrets it. And she's sorry."

"Why do you even care about _my wife_?" He had really no idea what Alex wanted.

"Somebody has to if not even her own husband does." Karev turned around and left the room.

"Karev, come back _now_!" Derek shouted, but Alex ignored him.

He saw Avery and Kepner laughing in front of the door, when Alex passed them.

Even though the young man got on his nerves, maybe he was right. Since he had learned his wife was an adulterous bitch and his baby wasn't his, he had not really been the best husband, hadn't really cared – he even had the right to do it because, after all, she had slept with his best friend. But not when she was this bad. It was just wrong and egoistic.

He had been absent before. It had begun in New York. He just hadn't noticed.

 **oOo**

"Shut the hell up!" Alex shouted, when he passed April and Jackson., who were laughing tauntingly.

"Karev defends She-Shepherd," Jackson exclaimed. "Is there something going on between you and the adulterer? I wouldn't put it past her. She's a slut. Just like you!"

Alex turned around. It started to rise inside him like wildfire. He couldn't bear it any longer, that everyone was baiting Addison.

He had never been the violent type of person, and that was probably the reason, that April was shrieking with surprise, when he pushed Jackson against the wall and slammed his fist into the other guy's face. Avery sunk to the ground and in the same moment someone pulled Alex back.

"What are you thinking?!" Richard Webber yelled. Great. Exactly who he needed now – NOT! Her ex-fiancée's step-father.

The older man brought him to the next conference room, while Shepherd was helping Jackson.

"First you're cheating on my daughter and now you're punching other people?! What's wrong with you?!"

Alex couldn't look at him, just stared at the big table in front of him. "He insulted Addison."

"That's not a reason! We're all worried about Addison. And… everybody heard what she did. Normally you're a good guy, Alex. What happened?"

"I don't know." He felt tears forming in his eyes. First he had cried in front of Miranda, now his ex-almost-father-in-law was next. It got better and better.

"I like you, I really do. And you've got potential. But that…"

"I'm sorry." He wiped his face with the back of his hand, then took the tissue Richard offered, thankful.

Richard nodded. "I even believe you. But Mer isn't fine. And it's your fault."

"I don't know what I was thinking, it was just…" He didn't continue. He had no idea what to say. Because he hadn't been thinking. "And now Addison is… She coded again."

"When?"

"Half an hour ago. Now she's sedated, and her body has been cooled down, and… she could die!"

"Really? I didn't know…"

"And Avery is calling her a slut. While she's fighting for her life!"

"I didn't know you and Addison were… that you were this close."

"We are just since… She was alone because nobody cared. She made a mistake and I made a mistake, and she was crying, so I companied her. Shepherd is mad at me, Sloan too, probably, if he knows, and the other residents are joking and bitching about her."

Richard sighed. "I have to visit Addison. I… never did. What kind of friend am I?"

Alex smiled, just a little bit. "I'm coming with you."

 **oOo**

When both men arrived at the ICU together, Derek was standing in front of the door, facing Ellis Grey. And she didn't look particularly pleased.

"So, you discovered your not-so-flattering nickname," they heard her enraged voice.

Richard stopped Alex, who wanted to walk past them, so they could watch from a distance.

"I have." Derek was looking at the floor. "And I don't know what's your problem."

"My problem?! My problem is, that one Shepherd is lying around in my ICU, sedated, and won't be available for a long time, and the other Shepherd's work isn't really satisfying. I think it's pretty clear what my problem is. You!"

Derek winced at her words. "And?"

"You're fired, Shepherd!"

"You can't do this." Derek wasn't even really shocked.

"I can."

"Ellis!" Richard interfered. "You're stressed and you're making overhasty and unthought decisions. We can suspend him for an indefinite amount of time. But he's our head of neuro. He won't get fired."

Alex, who had just been standing around, useless, now wanted to walk past them to enter the intensive care unit, but was stopped by Derek grabbing his scrub shirt, pulling him back.

"You won't go in there, Karev. I'm her husband, and from now on I prohibit you to visit my wife."

"You can't do this!" he repeated the words his boss had said earlier.

"I'm her only family member here. It's my decision who can see her and who can't. I forbid Mark, I'm doing the same thing with you."

"But…" He stopped, deciding it was useless, turned around and walked away.

What was going on here in the last days? Nobody was in the know, nobody trusted each other, it was being cheated and relationships and marriages broke like bones. This hospital had turned into a freakin' mess."

 **oOo**

Mark was sitting in the cozy little bar across the street, drowning his second scotch, even if it was just 4 PM.

Maybe walking away hadn't been the best thing to do. He should have insisted on finding out about Addison's condition.

She had to be alive because when Derek and Karev had left the room, they hadn't been sad or something. But what if she was in a coma or in much pain?

Speaking of the devil! There he was, Karev, entering the bar.

"Joe," he addressed the bartender. "Can I get a beer?"

"Sure, Alex." And Mark herd the sound of a beer bottle being opened. Then, suddenly, Karev was sitting on the stool next to him.

"So, Shepherd doesn't allow you near her, either," the resident stated, it wasn't a question."

"Right," Mark answered anyway.

"Got kicked out, too." The younger man took a sip of his beer. "After I saved life. Because I let her see her baby. Why is Shepherd so… heartless?"

"Probably because I knocked up his wife." Mark grinned. "Call me Mark." He held out his hand.

The other man shook it. "Alex."

"You reanimated Addison, right?"

"I did."

"How is she? They won't tell me."

"Alive and stable. But sedated and cooled down. She will get better." Alex didn't seem to care that he wasn't even allowed to tell anything.

He exhaled deeply. "That's good. Because when she's awake she can allow me to see her."

"Yeah, me too." Alex took another sip, Mark did the same thing with his scotch.

"How's the baby?" Alex asked after a while.

"Charlotte's fine. At least Derek can't ban me from the NICU."

"True." He cleared his throat. "Adds told me about your offer. Getting married and stuff. You really mean it?"

"I do, Karev… Alex. I love her and I love my daughter. I wanna be with them, but I'm not sure if Addie wants the same."

Alex sighed. "She loves Derek, but I hope she finally accepted her marriage is over.

Alex seemed so… dreamy, when he talked about her, Mark suddenly realized. "What's going on between you two?" he asked carefully, almost afraid to hear the answer. What if they felt something? What if Addison had only told him she would consider his offer to appease him, but truly she wanted to be with the younger guy?

"Nothing," Alex defeated himself quickly. "We're just… friends."

Even if Karev hadn't realized, Mark had. The resident adored Addison, and until Derek had kicked him out, he had been around her most of the time. Although they hadn't been close for long, there was definitely _something._

Mark wanted nothing more than slamming his fist into the face next to him. But he didn't. Instead he just said "I have to go," emptied his glass and slammed it to the counter, tossed the bartender some money and left.

He couldn't tolerate that Alex would steal his woman right in front of his nose.

 **~One And A Half Years Ago~**

"I just can't do it anymore, Mark."

Mark just watched the beautiful redhead standing in font of him, not knowing what to do when big tears were streaming down her flushed cheeks. He wasn't the sissy, that was Derek's part. Mark himself was the womanizer. He didn't understand the way women felt or acted. And hell, he was bad at comforting them.

So he could just stare and answer: "I know."

Because he did know that everything she had just said was true. Her husband spent more time at the hospital than at home. Of course, he was busy being one of the best neuro surgeons in the world, but not that busy that he couldn't make time for his wife. Not that busy he had to send his best friend to all the events and dinners to accompany her.

When they finally saw each other, they fought. They fought about every tiny thing. And there were just two ways it could end. First: One of them slammed a door and left to sleep at the hospital, most of the time that was Derek. Or second: They had sex and pretended everything, when it really wasn't – Mark had not seen this option, but he had heard it more than once.

So Addison was right. They couldn't live like this anymore. They had to change something, anything. But Derek wasn't willing to do so.

Mark had been so busy with his thoughts, that he hadn't realized she had moved. Until she stood there, right in front of him, just a few inches between their bodies.

His body was being controlled by something else, that was definitely not himself who grabbed her arms and looked her in the eye, nodding understanding, while he had no idea why she was apologizing to him, the tears continuing to run down her face.

He felt like a robot when the distance between their faces closed and their lips slowly found each other.

"We can't," she breathed and pulled away, but both couldn't look away.

And then she did it, she grabbed his face with both his hands and pulled him closer again, their kiss getting hotter and more passionate. His tongue in her throat felt wrong, so wrong, but he couldn't stop, he didn't know how. He had just forgotten how to control his own body.

His hand, which had rested on her hip, grabbed her dress's zipper and pulled it open, freed her shoulders from the fabric. There was more and more bare skin the lower the dress went, and he couldn't help touching every inch of it, while he put her down on his office's couch, hovering on top of her

She moaned into his mouth, while she unbuttoned his shirt to expose his well-trained upper part, then he heard the sound of his belt getting undone by her long fingers. The surgical-skilled fingers with the silver rings his best friend had put on there more than a decade ago.

Those fingers now were all over his torso, when he kissed her neck, the skin so soft against his lips. He had felt his body's response to those touches and kisses a long time ago.

And his hands were at the black lace of her bra to unhook it, when they were disturbed by a sound. Two sounds, actually.

He was almost grateful – even though he had really liked it – to get interrupted by a 911 page. There was a big trauma coming in and they needed every hand available. Even the hands that had seconds before touched his best friend's wife in places he really shouldn't touch her, places only her husband should be touching.

They were both panting and sweating, while they got dressed again, not speaking, not looking at each other, too embarrassed to do anything else than destroying every evident of their… incident.

She grabbed her white coat, which she had dropped right after she had entered his office, before any of them had lost control. And with that she was gone.

Three days after that both, Addison and Derek, had left New York, only leaving behind a message on his mailbox, telling him they had moved to Seattle overnight to begin again.

Mark just knew she hadn't told her husband. She never would.

And when he saw her the next time, more than nine months later, he knew for certain she hadn't. And they just continued where they had left off, betraying his best friend in the worst way possible.

 **oOo**

 **AN: That was chapter 5. I'll really try to upload faster, but I can't promise. Some reviews would be nice, and may even make me upload faster :)**

 **And also thanks for 8 follows and 4 favs.**


	6. Chapter 6: Little Pieces

**AN: OMG, I'm so sorry for accidentally posting chapter 5 twice! I hope I got it right this time.**

 **And also, thanks to the Guest reviewer from August 26 for your review. You really motivated me! Sometimes I really struggle with the language and I thought my English was really bad.**

 **But now let's start.**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 6: Little Pieces**

(Song by _Gomez_ )

It was cold. Cold and lonely. She didn't feel anything, except an overwhelming tiredness. So overwhelming it took everything out of her just to open her eyes. She couldn't remember ever doing something that exhausting before.

There was something in her mouth, in her throat, blocking her tongue. Plastic, like a pipe. A tube.

She chocked, her body was trembling hard, but she didn't feel any pain. The urge to vomit increased, when the tube was pulled out of her throat slowly.

She could see almost nothing, the light was too bright. But she could make out a silhouette of a woman. And the voice sounded very familiar.

"Dr. Shepherd, you're awake!" She would recognize Arizona Robbins' enthusiasm everywhere.

"Wha…" There it was. Pain. An awful scratch in her throat. No, that wasn't really the right word. She didn't know how to describe this feeling.

"You shouldn't talk. Drink something."

"She felt something on her lips and took the object – a straw –, grateful. The sensation of the cold water running down her throat was amazing.

"What happened?" she managed to ask and tried to ignore the pain as good as possible. And slowly her sight cleared, when her eyes accustomed to the light. She could see Arizona's worried face.

"You coded."

"I…"

But the blonde lifted her hand to interrupt. "Speak a little as possible. We reanimated you… Karev did, then you were sedated and your temperature was lowered to 91°F. When we thought you were ready, we let the sedation wear off slowly and raised your body temperature again."

"How long…"

"Three days."

Three days. She had been lying around here, unconscious, for three days. Three days, in which her baby had needed her, in which it had probably grown. It developed without her. She couldn't even watch. "I'm cold."

"That's normal. Your temperature is still a little lower than it should be, but you were stable enough to wake up."

"And I'm tired."

"That's because of your medication. In exchange you shouldn't feel any pain."

"Just… my throat." Talking was almost like torture. But she had survived so much, she could do this.

"Intubation isn't comfortable. But it saved your life."

"Why did I… It's my fault."

"Why should it be? It's a complication from the placental abruption. Nothing of this is your fault." Arizona smiled, a little confused, but mostly sympathetic.

"I refused to go for maternity leave. It was just too much… And now I convinced Alex to let me see Charlotte."

"It had nothing to do with effort or stress. Because of your age you had a high-risk pregnancy anyway. The probability for a complication like this was high. But you know that."

Addison felt a warm hand on her arm.

"It just happened and you were lucky, that you already were in a hospital, and that Callie found you because she was so hungry she decided to enter the lounge, even with the blinds closed."

Addison chuckled, but couldn't speak because her eyelids felt like rocks and she couldn't keep them open.

"You can sleep. Don't fight it. You need rest to heal," was the last thing she heard, before she drifted away, into a world where everything was okay.

 **oOo**

When Addison opened her eyes the next time, it was warmer. Not just that, her throat felt better, too.

She looked around and saw nobody, the only noise the regular beep of the monitors.

She hated the feeling to lie in this bed, completely helpless. A tiny part of her even wished to feel the pain, so she would know if she was still alive. But reaching for the call button didn't seem doable.

"Hey."

She gave up and looked up to Derek standing in the doorway.

"Hey," she answered, noticing that her throat really didn't hurt anymore.

"Can I… do something for you?" He smiled, but it wasn't this smile she had always loved, adored from the second she had seen him over a cadaver in med school. It looked forced. As if somebody had dragged him here because it was his job as the husband to ask if he could do something.

She decided to ignore it because she could really use some help, and pointed towards the glass of water next to her bed. He gave it to her and she drank.

Yes, she definitely was alive because she could feel the not-cold-anymore water run down her gullet and Derek's warm breath on her face, smelled his familiar scent, saw those dreamy eyes she had fallen in love with so many years ago.

"Better?" He placed a hand on her shoulder, which flooded her with warmth.

"Better." She carefully nodded and reached for his free hand. He took hers in his. "Derek, I'm so sorry."

"For what?" He was looking at her, and it almost hurt. "For sleeping with m best friend? For letting him impregnate you? For not telling me for months? Or for telling me at all."

"For everything. And now you have to be here, even though… all of this happened. You don't have to do this."

"Yes, Addie, I have to. I'm your husband."

"But… Can you page Alex?"

"No." His face darkened.

"No?"

"No, Addison. I won't page Alex."

"Why?"

"Because it's his fault you're in this condition. I forbid him to access the ICU." He stood up from where he had been sitting on the edge of her bed.

"What? Derek, you can't do this!" She regretted her sharp tone immediately, when the pain in her throat increased again, but she didn't stop. "I pushed him… I corrupted him to get me out of here. And it wasn't the reason!"

"He shouldn't have given in. He shouldn't be corruptible. He's a surgeon. Just because you're his boss-"

"Page him, Derek!" Suddenly it felt as if her throat would close, and breathing got harder. She was panting as if she had just finished a marathon. The alarms went off and almost immediately an oxygen mask was pressed to her face.

"Breathe slowly, Addison," the nurse with the mask ordered.

She tried, but it didn't work. She couldn't breathe!

She was looking at Derek with wide eyes, who was just standing there, doing nothing. In situations like this he just shut down – not if it were his patients, but people he loved, or had loved. She had seen this before, many years ago. His sister Amy had been 14 and had stolen his car, high on oxycodone, and crashed it against a tree. Addison herself had reanimated the girl, while Derek had just been staring at them.

She pushed away the mask. "Please, Derek! I need someone! Get Mark, then!"

The plastic was pressed to her mouth and nose again.

And just like that her husband was back. "No, I won't get Mark either because he freakin' screwed my wife!"

She stared at him, until her breathing had normalized, the nurse had complimented her and had left. And even after that, until she felt tears on her cheeks.

"You're unbelievable, Derek," she said silently.

"Addison…"

"You don't love me. You don't even like me. You're just here because it's your obligation. I need someone who cares. You can't forgive me, can you? Ever." She shook her head slowly.

He didn't disagree.

"Why am I still doing this? Leave the room, Derek. It's your choice now. If you seriously want to try, I'll do, too. If you don't… I'll sign the divorce papers."

He didn't move.

"Go!"

And he left. And she knew that now it was finally over – _Addison and Derek_ as past now.

"Page Karev," she managed to say between sobs. The nurse in front of the door nodded.

Derek should go to hell. She could do this without him. Hopefully.

 **oOo**

And when she saw Alex standing at the door, confused and happy at the same time, she had a feeling, for the first time, that this day wasn't complete crap.

"You're awake!" he entered.

"I'm awake." Her throat was a little scratchy again, but almost normal.

"Why was I paged? I thought I was banned from the ICU." He smiled softly.

Addison sighed. "I threw Derek out and now I can make my own decisions."

Alex sat down in the chair, and his expression went serious. "I was scared about you," he admitted quietly.

"About me? Why?" She laughed.

"Everyone said it was my fault and… What if you had died?"

Somehow, Alex was cute. Stop… What was she thinking? She was his boss! "Robbins says it had nothing to do with effort, Alex." She took his hand and squeezed it. "Thanks for your coming."

He grinned. "Thanks for letting me. Shepherd has no idea…" When he saw her sad expression, he quietly apologized. "Sorry, Adds. We shouldn't talk about him. What do you wanna talk about?"

She caught his eyes, and for a moment everything around them stopped. But she was able to let go in time. "Is Mark still here?"

"I met him at Joe's three days ago. We talked, and then he… just walked away. I have no idea where he is now."

That made her laugh. "He does that. He leaves to stop himself from punching someone in the face. What did you do? Didi you provoke him?"

"No! I didn't do anything! We just talked. About you."

"Then he was probably just jealous." She let her head fall back into the pillow. The medication was still making her tired.

"Did you think about his offer?"

She closed her eyes. "When, Alex? When I came back, Derek was here, and then I almost died. Wok up two hours ago."

"Sorry." He squeezed her hand harder.

"Can you lower the medication? It makes me tired."

"No, I can't. If you're undermedicated, you'll be in pain and can't recover. You need sleep. Much sleep, so you'll get better."

"Please?" She was looking at him again, with pleading eyes.

"No. And this time I'm not corruptible. I'm not your doctor here. I'm a friend, who coincidentally a doctor, too. But I'm not in charge here, Robbins is." He tugged a few strands of red hair behind her ears, which had loosened from the bun she had had for days.

"I wanna shower," she said in a low voice.

"You can't shower yet. You're too weak to stand up and you have an incision on your abdomen."

She sighed. "I hate you, Alex, you know that? You're so… reasonable."

He grinned. "I know."

 **~Seven Months Ago~**

Addison sat in the Seattle Grace cafeteria, alone, like every other day.

Except this day wasn't like any other day. She knew everybody was talking about her. And she heard what the residents on the table next to hers said, not even trying to do it inconspicuous. And she was pretending not to listen, but she heard it, and they knew it. And they didn't care.

"Good Shepherd is a strange person," Percy stated.

"Yeah." That was Kepner's voice. "She's been _sick_ for days, and now she's back and all moody. Believe me, I'm on her service today, and she just yelled at a nurse, until the poor woman was crying. And then she continued working as if nothing had happened.

"She's Satan." Avery laughed. "And not just because she's hot as hell."

"But that wasn't it," Kepner continued. "I went to find her because of a patient, and saw her through the windows of the attending's lounge, walking around nervously and crying, then suddenly puking into the trashcan."

"Maybe she's pregnant!" Grey exclaimed. "How cute would hat be? Little satan's and McDrearies."

It hit Addison right across the chest how close Grey was. Except of the McDreary part.

"Leave her alone. It's her business."

She looked up to see who had defended her. Alex Karev. She had always liked that guy. Until his next words.

"But her children would definitely be as hot as her and as dreary as her husband." He laughed. They all did.

She pressed her thumb to her wrist for acupressure against the building nausea, when she heard a tray being slammed to her table and a familiar woman sat down in the chair across hers.

"Don't listen to them, they're dumb," Miranda Bailey explained. This woman may be the only one in this hospital Adison could call a friend – okay, maybe Callie and Richard, too, but that was it.

But she didn't say anything, just shifted her gaze back to her almost untouched chicken salad, and the nausea got worse. She was afraid she would throw up right here in the cafeteria, where everyone could see it.

"Are you okay?" Bailey's voice again.

Addison shook her head. "I'm everything but okay."

"What's wrong?"

She lowered her voice. She had never said it out loud, even though she had taken the test a week ago. "They're right. I'm pregnant." Nothing had ever felt worse than admitting it to someone else.

"Congratulations!" She paused, looking at Addison's sad face. "And that's bad why exactly?"

Addison just stared into nothingness. And it took everything out of her not to empty her stomach over her lunch.

"Babies are cute," Miranda continued. "Babies are good."

"No, this one isn't." Suddenly it was so hot in here. "Because it's not Derek's."

She couldn't breathe, she needed fresh air. The last thing she saw was Bailey's expression, surprised and shocked, before she jumped up an ran out of the next door, throwing up into a flowerbed. Her body shivered under the cold winter air.

Then she felt a hand on her back, warm and comforting. She turned around to see Bailey again, guiding her to the next bench.

"You have to tell your husband," the younger woman stated after a long and uncomfortable silence. "It's your decision how much. But at least that you're pregnant. Not that you cheated on him or that it isn't his baby, if you don't want to. Begin small."

"Okay," Addison whispered. "Do you remember when I told you someone from New York was visiting? An old friend of Derek's?"

"This Sloan? Yeah, I remember that."

And again she admitted something that just hurt too much. "He's the father."

 **AN: And I have to say thank you again. To almost 1,500 views! This is amazing 3**


	7. Chapter 7: What I've Done

**AN: I'm here with chapter seven. I'm sick, so I have time and could finish the whole thing in one day. Hope you like it.**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 7: What I've Done**

(Song by _Until June)_

She had obviously fallen asleep again because when she opened her eyes, the cold loneliness had come back once more.

Addison hated it. She wasn't the lone wolf kind of person, she needed social contact. She had never been the person who spent their days off at home alone with a bottle of wine – most of the times, at least. In the beginning of her marriage, she and Derek had used these days to just spend some time together. Later, when he had been at the hospital even on his days off rather than being with her, she had had other people. Usually Mark.

And that was probably the reason why they had gotten this close. Mark Sloan had slowly, over time, taken her husband's place. Almost completely, just the sex had been missing. And even that had followed.

She looked around the room. Nothing she could do. Because there were things she did _if_ she was alone. Take a shower – not allowed. Go for a run – she had to admit it herself, this wasn't possible. Read a book – she had no book, and nobody to get her one. Drink some wine – no alcohol allowed because of the meds and painkillers. Watch some really bad telenovela, where people's lives were more screwed up than hers, so she could cry along with them to distract herself from her own problems – there was no TV in the ICU.

There was nothing she could do. And it sucked. She had never really been a patient before, but now she understood why most of them got depressive. Because it was just boring.

She couldn't even sleep, even though he was tired all the time. However, her body only wanted to shut down when she had a visitor. It _sucked_.

Addison tried to sit up, but her arms were trembling so hard she had to give up after a few minutes, sweating and panting – and the numbers on her monitor told her that her heart was beating as fast as after one of her workouts at the gym. Just by trying to sit up. How pathetic was that?

Slowly and with considered movements, so her incision wouldn't rip open or something, she freed her hair from the bun that had been fallen apart completely. She felt disgusting. She wouldn't prefer anything over the chance to shower, to wash her hair – well, maybe a better life, but she wouldn't get that. It was greasy on her scalp, dried out in the ends, frizzy and tangled – nothing like her normally soft, shiny, enviable red hair. It was a mess, like everything else. Her sleep, her health, her hormones, her mind, her thoughts, her feelings, her life. Everything had changed completely and she didn't recognize her own life anymore.

Was this the beginning of the typical patient depressions? Probably. But she had the excuse that she was not only lying around in a hospital bed. She had a baby she wasn't allowed to see, nobody cared about her, except Alex, who she had really gotten to know just a few days ago, and her marriage was most likely over – after more than a decade. She had every right to be depressed.

She wanted to pray to God, that someone would finally visit her – which was crazy because she didn't even believe in God – when someone cleared his throat, which made her look up.

Derek. Now she wanted to pray to God that he should just go away because she rather wanted to be alone. But it was too late when he entered the room.

"Yeah, Derek? You wanna tell me something?"

"Yes, I…" He didn't continue.

"Did you make a decision?" If she was honest, she really didn't want to know.

He nodded and cleared his throat again. But the room remained silent. She was just opening her mouth to break the uncomfortable silence, when he began to speak.

"I know it's my obligation to be here. I'm your husband. Have been for many years now. But it isn't like in the beginning anymore."

Yes, she had noticed that a long time ago.

"Back then, when I met you… I saw you for the first time, and I immediately thought _she's the one_. I was young, we were young and naïve. And we thought… that there was something like true love, the love of your life, who you see and meet and never let go again, until death does you apart. And I'm not denying that there is something like that, maybe. But… You don't drive me completely crazy anymore, you don't make me nervous like a little boy having his first kiss – because back then every time with you felt like the first time. You don't make it impossible for me to breathe, like you did ten years ago, not to think, to be or to live without you. Something changed. I'm not saying there's nothing like true love. Just that… we're not meant to be. Back then, I wrote you a love song and made a fool of myself by singing it at our wedding, even though I really can't sing, which didn't matter because it made you laugh and cry at the same time. I pretended not to hate the big futon couch in the brownstone's living room, even though I wanted to throw that thing into the next trash compactor, but you liked it, so I didn't. And I went to the gym with Mark without telling you, tortured myself to look good for you. Now there's nothing. No fire, no butterflies, no trembling knees, no first times. I don't know what happened to us, but it all disappeared. Especially in your situation I should be there for you. But I just can't. What's the sense in trying it again and again, when we're just not good for each other, just not meant to be?"

And then it was silent again. For minutes. She just heard both their breathing, her own heartbeat and the steady beeping of the monitors. She smelled the familiar antiseptic scent of the hospital and a little bit even Derek's scent. And she felt the tears running down her face, silently, saw him doing everything to don't let the moisture in his eyes fall, too.

She couldn't bear it anymore. She felt… she didn't know. It was like seven months ago on the bathroom floor, the positive pregnancy test in her hand. Everything and nothing at once. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

"So…?" Her voice sounded inappropriately loud when it cut through the silence.

It seemed as if he hadn't heard it at first, when he just stood there and stared into nothingness, but then he moved forward and laid down a bunch – no, that wasn't right, it were only three pages – of paper on the table next to the bed. Then he took a pen out of the pocket of his white coat – she had seen how he had hesitated when he had reached for his favorite rollerball and had then chosen the cheap pen next to it.

"So…" His voice sounded unfamiliar and agonized. "Let's end it."

He took the third page of the document, where two post-its had been placed to mark the places where they could end the last sixteen years with just two signatures – and they would.

"The lawyer said they're okay." She knew he was talking about the papers – the divorce papers.

She briefly looked over the things written on that last page. She would keep her trust fund. She would, however, get both houses. She had no idea, but she didn't want to ask, either.

Addison couldn't watch it, had to turn away while the pen was floating over the paper to perform the first part of the act.

And then it was her turn. She grabbed the pen, which felt unfamiliarly heavy in her hand. Maybe the meds were weakening her, or it was the fact that she hadn't held a pen in four days. She even was afraid that over this time she had forgotten how to write. But it was surprisingly easy, even though her hand was trembling badly.

And when the pen left the paper, it was over. Sixteen years of history had just ended.

"I'm so sorry." Her voice cracked on the last word.

"Yeah, Addison. I'm too."

But against all presumptions he didn't leave after he had folded the papers together – _divorce_ papers, she was _divorced_.

He just stayed and they looked at each other. Looked at each other for a long time.

"Hey, Red! I heard I'm finally allowed to…" The enthusiastic voice stopped, when its owner walked around the corner and stood in the middle of the depressed mood. Mark had always had a bad talent for interrupting in the most inappropriate situations – he just had the worst timing of every person she knew. "Not a good time… Okay, I'll leave, then."

"No," Derek said quietly. "I'll go." And with that he passed his former friend and disappeared. And with him the divorce papers.

"What happened? Why are you both spreading such a bad mood?" Mark was grinning.

She just looked at him for a moment, sadly, before speaking in a voice filled with bitterness. "We just signed the divorce papers, Mark."

"Oh." And she could bet he was wishing to be somewhere far away in this moment. "I'm sorry."

She managed to force an artificial and agonized smile onto her lips. "It's okay. We just weren't… meant to be. We hurt each other more than we loved each other. We just couldn't do it anymore."

Mark looked at her hands and she realized that both the rings her husband – now ex-husband – had put on there an eternity ago, promising things he couldn't keep, still were on her fourth finger.

"I don't know what to do with them," she said without him having to ask, and put them off for the last time, placed them on the small table. "Maybe I'll drown them in the sink, maybe I'll bury them somewhere, maybe I'll throw them into the water. I don't know. I don't know! I don't know anything!" Her voice had become louder and more panicked with every word. Her breath came in choking sobs, while tears were running uncontrollably and were dripping on the sheets. The monitor's alarm went off.

"Addison, ssshhh." She felt Marks big hand on her shoulder. "Calm down. I'm here."

And when he realized that his hand wouldn't change anything, he picked her up carefully and pressed her body to his as firm as possible without hurting her. She clenched her hands around his shirt, buried her face in his shoulder. He stroked her hair for a moment, then pushed her away a little bit, so he could place the oxygen mask a nurse was giving him to her face.

"Slow breaths, Addie."

"No!" She jerked away his hand. "I don't want that! I wanna go home! I have to get out of here!"

"Ssshhht, I know, sweetie. Don't cry. It's not good for your throat. You've been intubated, remember?"

And this time she let him press the plastic to her face and managed slowly and painfully to adjust to his slow breaths – the alarms went silent.

"Good, Addie. You're fine." His fingers carefully touched her cheek, then he laid her back down.

"Mark…" The tears didn't stop.

"It's okay, Addison. It's okay."

"Nothing is okay," she whispered. "Just nothing is okay."

Then there was silence.

"What are you doing?" She looked at him wit wide eyes, while he was taking of his shoes.

"Co-bedding." He smiled. "You know this from the babies, right? When two siblings are set in one incubator, and the sick one gets better. Like magic."

"Stop it. You're not my sibling and I'm not about to die."

"No. But you're injured and hurting and grieving, and you need someone. So…" He laid down next to her, placed one arm around her and stroked her hair. And she felt better immediately. He gave her warmth, he gave her safety. He gave her the feeling that there was someone left who really cared about her.

 **~Eleven Years Ago~**

Addison was excited as hell. She was sure she had never been this excited before.

Tomorrow was _the day_. The day everything would change and be the same as ever at once. The day she would speak the vows, which would bind them forever.

The chief had given her the day off, but sitting at home alone drove her crazy, so she had decided to go to work for distraction.

So, now she was standing in the OR, assisting Dr. Moore on an appendectomy, trying everything so her hands wouldn't shake.

The door slid open, and when she looked over her shoulder, she saw Mark, holding a mask over his mouth, getting closer.

She rolled her eyes and concentrated on the surgery, but flinched when she heard her fiancé's best friend's voice just a few inches from her ear, so close she could feel his breath on her neck.

"You excited?"

"Yes, Mark," she answered, a little annoyed. "You have no idea."

"You better be sure about this whole marriage-thing. I'm Derek's best man and I have no intention of doing this shit for a second time. So, don't break up, don't leave him at the altar and never get divorced. You understand me?"

Addison couldn't withhold a laughter. "Are you threatening me?"

"Of course I am. That's my job."

"No, Dr. Sloan," Moore interrupted. "Your job is being a surgeon and not distract my resident. Because I was just about to let her continue the procedure by herself."

"Really?" Nobody could see it, but under her mask Addison was grinning.

"I think you're ready for your first solo surgery. Take it as a wedding present."

"Thank you!" She wanted to hug the head of general surgery, but then she wouldn't be sterile anymore.

"That's not fair," Mark complained. "So I have to get married to get my first solo surgery?"

Addison laughed again. "You know what, Mark? I think you would even do it. Find a girl today, marry her tomorrow, get divorced the day after."

Mark shoved her lightly. "That's not funny, Red. I'd never do such a stupid thing as getting married. Not like you two."

"Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Moore interrupted again. "You wanna do the surgery or chat with your friend? Because I would save much time if I would just do it myself."

"No, I'm ready!" Then she turned back to Mark. "Get out, jealous dumbass. You can watch your role model from the gallery."

"So selfish!" But Mark was laughing while he said it, and when she saw him sitting on the gallery, grinning widely, she knew he wasn't really jealous – okay, maybe a little. But mostly he was just proud.

 **oOo**

 **AN: Maybe you've noticed. This flashback was inspired by the scene from season 5, where Mark is threatening Meredith before she's supposed to marry Derek. I just loved it and I thought maybe Mark had done the same thing with Addison before.**

 **I'd be so happy about some reviews.**


	8. Chapter 8: By Your Side

**AN: I'm back with chapter 8! Thanks for all the nice comments. Have fun!**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 8: By Your Side**

(Song by _Brooke Annibale_ )

"What the hell are you doing there?!"

It was Alex' enraged voice that woke Addison from her doze and let her flinch so hard Mark got frightened and his grip around her body tightened to an almost painful degree.

"What does it look like, Karev?" Mark asked, frowning. "I'm beating the hell out of her, of course. Then I'll stab her with a knife and kill her slowly."

The resident seemed confused, but changed the topic. "You're not allowed here."

"Didn't you notice?" She felt Mark's deep chuckle against her body. "You're allowed in the ICU again. I'm too. Derek isn't in charge here anymore."

"You have to go." From her position she couldn't see Alex' face, but his words sounded unemotional. "Visiting hours are over."

"Well, to clear it up once and for all…" Mark got up to half-sit on the bed, but didn't take his hand away from her body. "Your chief of surgery gave me surgical privileges because she craves famousness and money, like every other chief does. That means I have access to all the areas you have. All the time. I'm not a visitor, I'm a doctor." He looked down at her. "Addison, you want me here, don't you?"

She nodded. "Drop it, Alex," she answered, tiredness in her voice. "Mark is here to help."

"Oh, and how much he helped you the last time. When he slept with you so you'd cheat on your husband, and then left you behind with a child."

With much effort she turned around to see her friend's face. He looked angry. "What's wrong with you? Mark never left me. I left him. He was always there when I needed him because no one else cared."

"For sixteen years now," Mark added, a little hostilely. "Compared to the five minutes you've known her, that's a lifetime. And if you are understanding and care about her the slightest bit, you should leave it alone. The last hours haven't been easy for her. Do you have any idea what a divorce after eleven years of marriage means?"

"Divorce?" Alex was confused.

"And as long as you don't know how it feels to lose someone you love after such a long time, you should get the _hell_ out of here!"

"Mark…" It felt as if someone had put a car on Addison's chest. Her breaths were short and quick and painful.

"Yeah?" And when the beeping got faster, he reached for the oxygen mask.

A few minutes later she could finally breathe normally again. And when she looked up, Alex was still standing in the door motionless.

"You almost caused the third panic attack for today, Karev. Congratulations." Mark was speaking dangerously quiet. "Now back off."

He really left. And Addison was actually grateful. Because Mark laid down next to her again. It was as if this position could let all her problems disappear.

"He's jealous," he whispered after a while. "He wants you and he doesn't like the fact that we're getting closer again.

She remained silent, but her body tensed unwillingly. Somewhere, deep inside, she had known that it wasn't friendship growing between Alex and her. It had never been.

 **oOo**

Mark had been lying in Addison's bed for a long time and his arms and one of his legs had went numb an eternity ago.

Addison slept in his arms. Most of the time she had been calm and almost peaceful, but now she began to move anxiously and he felt her fingernails stabbing into his skin. And when she whimpered and he realized there were beads of perspiration on her forehead, he knew for certain that she was having a nightmare. He shook her lightly. "Addie, wake up. It's okay."

But that just ended in her pushing him away, panicked. Her arm pressed on her stomach as if she was protecting it, but apparently the area of her incision now hurt even more.

"Addison!" he tried again, harsher this time. And when he stroked through her sweaty hair, she opened her eyes. They were filled with panic.

"You were dreaming." He tried to calm her down by caressing her arm. "It's okay."

After a while her breathing slowed down.

"You remember something?"

She shook her head and swallowed hardly.

"Nothing."

"It was dark and… there were screams. Of a baby." Her breathing fastened again. "Mark, I can't do it! I'm not ready to raise a baby on my own. I don't know anything about them!"

"You wanna tell me you know nothing about babies?" Mark laughed. "I don't know anyone who's as good with them as you are."

"But I'm responsible for a life!" She sobbed and he wiped her tears.

"You're all the time. You're a surgeon. You can o it. And I can help you. She's my daughter, too."

Addison nodded.

You should go back to sleep now."

"No."

She had said it fearful, but thanks to the medication she was asleep just a few minutes later.

Mark was cursing his numb and tingling body parts, but he was grateful that she was lying next to him again, calm and almost peaceful. Carefully he pressed his lips to the line where her dirty red hair was parted. For her he could stand it. For her he would stand anything.

 **oOo**

When Addison opened her eyes, the place next to her was cold and empty. She scanned the room, confused, and found a little paper note on the table.

 _I'm in the OR, back soon. Mark._

She turned her head when she heard a knock on the glass door. There was Arizona Robbins, next to her April Kepner.

"Hey," the blonde greeted.

"Hey." Addison raised her head as far as she could. "What's up?"

"Kepner?"

The other redhead took a step forward. "Dr. Robbins decided you're ready to try to take your first steps. Carefully, so there is not too much pressure put on your incision. She brought me so we could support you from both sides."

Arizona had made a good decision, Addison had to admit that. Both women had almost the same height and were smaller than she was.

"Okay. Let's go."

It took time and effort, perspiration and panting breaths, it was hard, but a few minutes later she stood in front of the bed, one arm around each of the other surgeons. She was exhausted, but it was a good feeling. She was healing.

She looked down at April. "So, you're the one Alex slept with."

April flinched, surprised. "How do you know?"

"He told me." She shrugged, as good as she was able to in this position. "After I told him I slept with Sloan. But I'm sure you already knew that. The whole hospital does."

"Dr. Shepherd, that-"

"Stop. Don't… call me Shepherd anymore. Montgomery, please."

Both women were looking up now.

"More stuff fore the rumor mill." She forced a smile. "We're divorced."

This time it had been surprisingly easy to say. And after it, there was an awkward silence. She managed two steps, then laid back to bed, sweating and even more exhausted.

April had left, but Arizona was still standing next to the bed. "What's really going n between you and Karev?"

"It's _nothing._ " Addison sighed. "Why does everyone keep asking that?"

"Oh, probably because he broke Avery's nose after he had insulted you."

"He did _what_?!" She laughed. But it wasn't how she felt. She was… Afraid? Insecure? Was she hoping she was wrong and it wasn't what it looked like and what everyone assumed?

"Too bad. Avery is a pretty boy. With such a handsome face."

She had wanted someone who cared. But not like that! She needed a friend, not a lover. She needed the Alex she had gotten to know the night after the surgery. She wanted him back.

Mark was back just a few minutes after Arizona had left.

"I'm so sorry," he said and sat down on the chair, taking her hand in his bigger one. "I think this resident, Yang or something, is a big fan, so she paged me for a broken nose."

"I'm sure she is." Addison smiled. "She 's a fan of every great surgeon. Even the ones that aren't cardio."

"So, you're finally admitting how great I am?"

"I'm not." She chuckled. "When Harper Avery came here-"

"Harper Avery _himself_ was here?!" Mark interrupted.

"He was. Jackson Avery, one of our residents, is his grandson."

"Wow. That's cool."

"It is." She caressed his arm with her free hand. "How long are you planning to stay?"

"Depends on you. How long it will take you to get out of the hospital. And if you decide to go back to New York with me…"

"Let's not talk about this already. I haven't decided yet." She had. She would stay in Seattle for now. She had left New York behind. She couldn't go back there.

"Okay." The grip around her hand strengthened. "I heard you'll leave the ICU tomorrow."

"Really?" The word sent excitement through her body. "Who told you?"

"I overheard the nurses chatting. When I met Robbins a few minutes ago, I asked her and she said it was true, but she didn't want to tell you yet, so you wouldn't get your hopes up, like the last time."

"But you told me."

Mark laughed. "Yeah. Because I hate to lie to people I love."

Her heart clenched. She had known it for a long time. He had said it before. She had, too, only once. Just one time, and it had felt forced.

Because she was afraid. She was afraid of saying those meaningless words to a man again, being committed again. Because the last time had turned out to only bring lies, pain and heartbreak. She couldn't do it again. Not yet.

She knew she had to tell him that the decision of staying with him or leaving him wouldn't take three days. Maybe she would never be ready for a new relationship.

But she wasn't brave enough to say it out loud. And that was the reason she kept pretending she just didn't know. Pretending so hard she believed it herself. But deep on the inside she had always known.

One more reason why se hadn't really meant _I love you_. She really liked him, maybe even loved him, had loved him for more than sixteen years. But she wasn't in love with him. They had no future. He was still a man whore, and she was a cheater. Even though they had a child together, they would never be a real family.

And that was why she just said "I know" and want back to sleep, his hand around hers.

 **~Nine Months Ago~**

Cheating. Being unfaithful. Two-timing. Fornication. Adultery. Infidelity.

So many words to say one and the same thing.

Who would do something so terrible, so cruel, so selfish? Addison had wondered this for a long time. She had never found a reason why anybody would hurt a person in such a way. It had always seemed to be something you would never experience, it had been so far away. It was incomprehensible.

Until she was lying there, in a bed she had never been in before, touched by a naked body she had never touched before.

And the, almost eleven years after she had promised loyalty to the man she loved, she suddenly had the answer.

Desperate people. People who saw no other solution. People who had nothing to lose because they had already lost everything.

She hadn't been able to understand before. But now, that she was one of those people, she understood.

Desperate people did desperate things.

She hadn't wanted it to happen. But when it had, she hadn't resisted either. Why?

She had no idea. And she couldn't undo it because it had happened. She was now, officially, an adulterous whore.

Addison could still feel his hands all over her bare skin, touching places nobody but her husband should touch. She saw the marks on his skin., where her nails had been digging into his flesh, while he had helped her forget.

But now, that the endorphins had worn off and his fingers tenderly caressed her side – ribs, hip, thighs –, the full extent of their improvident act hit her. And it was terrifying. She hadn't thought one second. Hadn't imagined the consequences, how she or he or her husband would feel – if Derek would ever know.

And she felt so much at once. Guilt was the most prominent.

What had she done?

She thought about everything at once. Mostly about the innocent husband sitting at the hospital, unaware of how his wife and his friend had betrayed him. And it had taken them only twenty minutes to destroy everything.

She couldn't tell him. It would break him, it would break them – _Addison and Derek_.

Sure, he had his flaws. He didn't come home very often, he didn't care how she felt, and hell, he most likely didn't even love her anymore.

But nothing gave a person the right to do what she had done, not even the desperate wish to just be noticed, just be seen.

"You're amazing." She flinched when she heard Mark's voice right next to her ear, so near she could feel his warm breath.

She wasn't able to do anything. She couldn't respond. She couldn't stand up and leave. She couldn't say no or push him away, when his lips met hers again, when his excited body pressed to hers, when her body immediately responded to the closeness.

She could just close her eyes and let it happen again, and again and again, until she didn't even feel guilty anymore.

 **oOo**

 **Hope you liked this almost Maddison-centric chapter. If you did, maybe you would like to leave a review? It would make me so happy.**


	9. Chapter 9: Salt In The Wound

**AN: Hey, I'm back! Thank you for 11 followers! You make me so happy.**

 **To the Guest reviewer: I've been learning Spanish for 4 years now and still suck at it… But I think you like Maddison and want them together… Something like that :)**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 9: Salt In The Wound**

(Song by _Delta Spirit_ )

"Alex?!" Addison couldn't hold back a laughter, when Alex entered the room, a smile on his lips. "What happened to your glasses? Aren't you like completely blind without them?"

"I am. But I'm wearing contacts." He stopped next to her bed. "Found out it's much more comfortable in the OR."

"Looks good." She took the grip above the bed and pulled herself up to an almost sitting position – she finally had enough strength. This morning, when Robbins had visited her with Grey instead of Kepner, she had already managed five steps, and today she felt much stronger than yesterday.

Alex helped her sit up completely, then settled on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry for what I said yesterday… when Sloan was here, I mean."

She placed her hand on his arm. "It's okay, Alex. He was here and he really helped me. But I…"

They were both looking up when Arizona came into the room and immediately spread her good spirits with her famous smile. "Well, Dr. Montgomery. Time to get out of here."

"Really?" She was beaming at the other surgeon.

"Your vitals are stable, your labs are good, you don't have an infection, you walked, and this morning you ate real food for the first time – even if it was just chicken broth – and you didn't vomit afterwards. That's good. Great, even. You're ready." The big smile gave Addison courage.

"Can I see Charlotte, then?"

"She was discharged from the NICU yesterday. Karev, bring the baby to 21.23. We'll follow soon."

"Thanks!" Addison wanted to hug the blonde, but she couldn't, so she just gave her a wide smile. Then she changed the subject. "When can I shower?"

Alex laughed while he left the room.

"Hey!" she called after him. "Don't be able to shower for a week and we'll see how you feel!"

"Not yet," Arizona answered. "The risk of infection is too high. Maybe in a week or so."

Addison grimaced. She had already felt disgusting almost a week ago. How should she manage another week of sponge bath that never really cleaned her hair?

"But hey, you can leave the ICU. One step at the time. You're fine and your baby is fine."

She nodded. And when the bed began to move slowly, she felt as good as she hadn't felt in a very long time.

 **oOo**

"Oh my God, she's grown, hasn't she?"

Alex smiled when he saw Addison's face. She was grinning the widest grin he had ever seen. There were tears forming in her eyes – still the hormones, probably. She was incredibly beautiful.

"She definitely did," Arizona announced and took Charlotte from the crib Alex had brought into her new room a few seconds before.

The grin widened – if that was even possible –, when her daughter was being laid into her arms.

The still tiny baby opened her intensive, sky-blue eyes – she had definitely inherited them from her father – and looked directly at her mother. He heard a whimper and saw the tears streaming down Addison's face.

Alex stepped closer and stroked the soft, fluffy, red hair on the infant's head. "Hey, sweetie," he said quietly. "Your mommy had some problems because of you, huh? But now she's fine. Yeah! You're so cute! So tiny!"

Charlotte looked at him for a few seconds, eyes wide, then her gaze went back to her mother.

"Can I… breast feed?" Addison's voice was insecure.

"She's ready for breast milk," Arizona explained. "Your painkillers have worn off and your milk came in yesterday. There's nothing stopping you. Just try it."

The redhead breathed deeply, then opened her gown.

Alex looked away, embarrassed, but smiled when he heard the cute drinking noises and Addison's relieved laughter.

A few minutes later the door opened and Mark Sloan came in. He stared at Addison, then turned around. "I should come back later."

He had already taken the door handle, when she held him back. "Oh, come on, Mark. Nothing you haven't seen before. Alex really didn't need to hear that. It was already enough that he knew that they had done it. He didn't have to hear it from them. Also, it sent a feeling through his body that could only be described as… jealousy.

"If by that you mean a tiny human sucking on your really swollen boobs… No, never seen that before," Mark answered. "I mean, of course I've seen nursing mothers. But not with breasts I've already touched." He paused. "Actually, I have. I saw Nancy nursing once."

"Wait, you slept with _Nancy_?!"

"It was years ago. Before she was married."

Alex cleared his throat. The situation went more and more embarrassing.

Addison laughed, a little ashamed. "Mark, we should probably stop talking."

"Yeah, maybe that's better."

"Dr. Sloan, is there a reason you came?" Arizona asked from where she was standing on the wall.

"Oh, right. So, Red. First: I heard you were discharged from the ICU. Second: I called your brother."

"You did _what_?!"

Alex couldn't see Addison, but he could tell she was shocked.

"Why would you call Archer?" she asked, a little calmer.

"Your family should know.

"There's a reason nobody called my family, Mark. They're much too rich and they let everyone know about it. Also, all the men are whores, and my mother doesn't have a heart. I cut of contact to my parents."

"That's why I called Archer. You two are getting along okay, right?"

Addison sighed. "You have no idea."

"anyway, he was shocked," Mark continued. "He didn't even know you were pregnant because you didn't call in three years! The last thing he heard – not from you, but from Naomi – was that you and Derek left New York."

"You told him?"

"Yes, I did. Not about the divorce, or that she's my baby. He said he would take the next flight to Seattle and will be here in the morning."

"Leave."

"What?"

"I'm serious, Mark." She raised her voice. "Get out!"

"Okay." He raised his hands in defense and really left. Not without catching a last glimpse of the baby, of course – his baby.

"He's right," Arizona stated. "You should have someone."

"I have Alex and I have Mark."

"I mean family."

Derek had been her family. "You don't know them."

"No, I don't." Arizona sighed and turned around. "I'll go, too. Karev, you'll bring the baby back later?"

Alex nodded.

"Thanks." Then she was gone. Alex and Addison were alone with Charlotte.

"You're allowed to look at me, you know." Addison laughed.

"No, I don't have to."

"Okay. Then don't."

Then it was quiet, the only thing audible the sucking noise of the happy baby.

 **oOo**

Alex had been in a good mood for the rest of the day.

Addison was better, she had left the ICU and was finally reunited with her daughter.

He was smiling nonstop. People were staring, but it didn't matter, he didn't care. He was happy.

Until he stepped into hiss – the chief resident's – office.

It caught his eyes immediately. A small silver object lying on his desk, next to it a handwritten note.

He took the messy piece of paper with the familiar handwriting and read it.

 _I'm sorry, Alex. I just can't do it anymore. We are over. Meredith._

The smile had disappeared. His hand formed into a fist, crumpling the paper. The silver ring hit the wall and fell to the ground, leaving behind a small hole in the wallpaper.

He wouldn't pick it up. The cleaning lady would take it or leave it for the vacuum cleaner. It didn't matter. He didn't need it. It was over, like every relationship he had ever had before, he had screwed it up.

When something salty touched his lips, he realized that he was crying again. He thought about what he and Miranda had used to say.

 _We create our own destiny._

It was all his fault.

He needed somebody to talk – no, not anybody, he needed Addison. She had turned into his sanctuary in just a few days. She was like his knight in shining armor, supporting him whenever he needed it, building him up. Just one smile and the day wasn't as crappy as before.

And it freaking scared the hell out of him. Because he had never felt lie this before. He couldn't define it and he didn't understand. Maybe it was just a strong friendship…

It wasn't and he knew it. Had known it from the very beginning. That it was so much more than that.

He stepped backwards when he had reached her new room's door, so the two visitors in there couldn't see him – Richard Webber and Ellis Grey. The chief of surgery didn't look very pleased, and from what Alex could hear, Richard was defending Addison to his wife.

Slowly he withdrew. He didn't want to interrupt. He only wanted this one wonderful woman. Only Addison.

 **~One And A Half Years Ago~**

"Hey." Meredith stepped next to Alex and Jackson, who were standing at the nurse's station. "Did you hear about the new surgeons from Manhattan?"

"I did," Alex answered.

"Me too." Jackson closed the chart in his hands. "New heads of neuro and neonatal. From what they say they're phenomenal surgeons, but typical wealthy Manhattans. Rich, privileged and fancy. Wearing really expensive clothes."

"I saw them from outside my mother's office, talking to her. They're such a cute couple! He's handsome and she's tall with red hair. They look so perfect together."

"Girls." Alex rolled his eyes. He really loved Mer, but when it was about couples, she was just like every other girl.

"Hey." She pushed his shoulder. "They're lovebirds. Everyone says that."

"And they're the absolute best in their fields," Jackson added.

"I saw her, too," Alex interrupted the silence that had been there for a few seconds. "She was in the attending's lounge, talking to Torres or something. She's hot. Really, if she wasn't married and I wouldn't have a girlfriend, I would take her."

He watched Meredith and Jackson turn red, then heard someone clearing their throat.

When he slowly turned around, he saw her standing right behind him. Red curls, beautiful grey eyes, wearing the expensive clothes Jackson had mentioned under her lab coat, including really high, really uncomfortable looking heels that made her taller than he was. Overall, impressive. And from this close she looked even hotter.

He felt the heat rushing into his face. "Hey, Dr…" He smiled embarrassed, realizing he didn't even know her name.

"Addison Shepherd." She held out her perfect manicured hand, and he took it and shook it, while hearing Meredith and Jackson laugh quietly.

"I'm-"

"I know who you are." She smiled. "Alex Karev, right? Richard told me he liked you, and that you were his stepdaughter's boyfriend."

"You know my father?" Meredith stepped next to Alex and he was grateful that Dr. Shepherd's attention shifted to the blonde.

"I do," she said. "He was my mentor, when I was an intern. He worked in New York many years ago. But just for one year. Actually, I met you once, Dr. Webber." She smiled again. "You must have been twelve or something, when you and your mother visited Richard."

Meredith's expression turned surprised. "Wait… I remember! You were the redheaded intern who went to the cafeteria with me and bought me as much ice cream as I wanted!"

The older woman laughed. "Yeah, that was me. Ellis was really pissed. But I think you liked it."

Alex rolled his eyes again, looking at Jackson. That was just great. He met the new attending for the first time and already made a fool of himself. And then his girlfriend and the other woman discovered that they had been something like partners in crime, more than a decade ago.

"Karev."

He looked up when he heard his name. "Huh?"

"You're a really handsome guy, too."

And she had just managed to get him to flush again. "I'm sorry for what I said, Dr. Shepherd. It was disrespectful." He couldn't make eye contact.

"I take it as a compliment. Plus, I saw you were on my service today. Meet me in the NICU in five."

And then he heard the loud noise of her heels on the linoleum floor when she left.

"Crap…" he murmured.

"Dude, what did you do?" Jackson laughed. "She will hate for the rest of your career."

Maybe she would, but maybe she wouldn't. She had seemed amused the whole conversation. Maybe she hadn't taken it too hard. Hopefully.

 **oOo**

 **AN: So, you can look forward to some Addie/Archer scenes soon. Not in the next chapter, but after that. I honestly love Archer and I love them as brother and sister. They're great!**


	10. Chapter 10: Say Something

**AN: Sorry for not updating in over a week, I think. I've been crazy busy with school. But holidays are starting on Friday, so next week I'll probably have some time to write.**

 **But now, here's the next chapter. I'm not a hundred percent happy with it. I would rather have immediately posted the next chapter (Archer's there in chapter 11 and you can look forward to some Derek and Meredith!), but I need some things to happen before that. So, I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 10: Say Something**

(Song by _Justin Timberlake_ )

Addison had been alone for hours, but this time it was different. Because she wasn't really alone. There was this tiny sleeping bundle of cuteness in her arms, and every time she looked at it, she was controlled by the hormones again.

She had never been this happy before.

Someone knocked at the door, then entered the room. Ellis Grey.

"Hello," the chief of surgery said.

"Hello." Immediately there was a tension in the room.

"Do you know when you're being discharged?" Of course. Why else would Ellis Grey visit her. She was indifferent and as cold-hearted as Addison's mother.

"I don't know yet. I just left the ICU. My incision has to heal, and the ribs and-"

She was being interrupted. "I need you. None of the Shepherds is working. Your husband is suspended."

"He's not my husband anymore."

"I don't care. You don't bring in money, Shepherd. You just take it."

"Montgomery."

"I said I don't care!"

"But I do!"

"That doesn't matter. If we want to absorb Seattle Pres, we need al sources of money. And you're not one of those. You're the exact opposite."

"Ellis, stop it." It was Richard, standing in the opened door.

"Don't tell me how to treat my attendings," Ellis snapped back.

"She had major surgery, just a week ago, she was sedated for three days and had a child. Give her some time." Richard completely entered the room.

"I don't need her like this!"

"But she will be back to work eventually. And we both know Addison is the best."

Ellis sighed with frustration, then turned around and left.

"I'm sorry," the chief's husband said to Addison. "She has some stress, and…"

"It's okay."

"She tried to fire Derek a few days ago."

"Derek." She pressed her lips together.

"Sorry. I forgot that."

"It's fine."

"How are you?" He sat down on the chair.

"Well, according to the circumstances… I guess I'm okay. Physically, at least." She rocked Charlotte in her arms, whose peaceful sleep had been disturbed by the loud noise, but she was, fortunately, still asleep. "But, well, mentally… I just got divorced, died a few times and became a mother, so… It's complicated."

Richard smiled. "A really cute baby. I didn't see Sloan very often, but I would say they look pretty similar."

Addison sighed. "They do."

"It's my nose."

They both turned around to see Mark, his face still a little bruised from Derek's punch.

"Dr. Sloan." Richard nodded politely.

"Dr. Webber." Mark came in. "Hey, Addie. How is she?"

"Charlotte is fine. Just like the last time you came, and the time before that, and-"

"I miss the two of you."

She sighed. "We're fine! We're in a hospital. The only thing that would make me feel better would be not knowing that my brother will come tomorrow."

"Archer is coming?" Richard looked at her, surprised.

"Mark called him," she muttered.

"Oh, Red, come on. You love your brother."

"I didn't talk to my family in years. And I have reasons for that!"

"Let's not argue about that again." He carefully took the baby from her arms, which now was awake, but didn't scream yet.

"You really didn't take it personal?" Richard asked after some time, a little insecure.

"It's okay, Richard." Addison smiled softly. "I've known her for some time. I know she's normally not like that. Well, most of the time."

"Good."

"You wanna hold her?"

"Sure."

She watched Mark giving his daughter to the other man, a little skeptically.

The general surgeon smiled. "How can a person be this cute?"

Addison sighed. "I have no idea."

 **oOo**

Alex was sitting in the cafeteria alone, taking a bite of his hot dog every once in a while. Hit felt as if everyone was staring. As if everyone knew what he had done – most of them probably did because gossip spread incredibly fast at this hospital.

He saw Cristina and Meredith sitting on a table. Since when did they like each other? Just like all of them, Mer had always baited on Yang. Now they were both whispering.

He reminisced about a time all the residents – except Cristina – had been sitting together. Most of the time they had been bitching about the attendings and interns. Often it had even been Addison.

Especially in the time she hadn't yet announced her pregnancy, but the all had known – it had just been so obvious. In their eyes she had acted weird, and so she had been the perfect victim.

Now he felt bad about it. Now that he knew how it felt to be in her position. Now that he could fully understand everything she had done.

He missed Miranda. She had been like a friend to him. Like Addison. Just that Addison was more.

Why did every thought bring him back to her? He couldn't get this woman out of his head. Not for one second her face disappeared from his mind. She took everything.

He didn't want to. He shouldn't. And he knew it. But he couldn't help it.

Maybe Grey and Webber were gone by now? Maybe they could talk. He just had to try.

 **oOo**

Addison looked up, just a few minutes after Mark and Richard had left. Alex was standing in front of her, looking handsome as always.

Stop! Those thought had to stop now!

"Hey;" she said quietly and smiled.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." She patted the edge of the bed and he sat down on it.

"Meredith gave me the ring back."

"I'm sorry…" She carefully took his hand and the touch sent a prickle through her body.

"She finally ended it. I screwed up."

"And again the club of adulterers has something in common." She looked up at him, their eyes met. And they stared at each other. For a long time. Too long and too intensive.

It was him to interrupt the moment – gratefully. "And how was your day? I saw the chief was here."

"She wanted to know when I'll be back. Apparently I'm useless and just a waste of her money."

"She doesn't mean it."

"I know. But she refuses to call me Montgomery. I never understood that woman. She's driving me insane."

"Same. She was a strange almost-mother-in-law."

"She's a strange woman. But a talented and gifted surgeries. Three Harper Averies! I never got a single one."

"You'll get one, Adds. Some day."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Yes. You are amazing. You're the best."

The both laughed. And the intensive look was forgotten. In this moment it was as if they were just friends. Except they both knew they weren't.

 **~One Week Ago~**

Addison didn't even knock before she stormed into the chief of surgery's office.

Ellis Grey looked up from her charts, surprised, clearing her throat when Addison came to hold right in front of her, panting.

"Dr. Shepherd, how can I help you?"

"I want to… quit!" Running the stairs heavily pregnant was definitely one of the most exhausting things she had ever done.

"Sit down, please."

Addison did. "I want to quit," she repeated once her breathing had calmed down.

"Dr. Shepherd. Thanks to you we're the best maternal-fetal facility on the west coast. We need you. Especially now that we want to absorb Seattle Presbyterian."

"I can't stay!" She jumped up again, then gasped when her daughter kicked her hard.

"Well, you can't go, either. You signed a contract."

"I'll buy myself out."

"You're really that desperate?" Ellis laughed, almost tauntingly. "You want me to fire your husband?"

Addison shrugged. She hadn't really thought before running to the chief's office right from the scrub room, still wearing her dark grey scrubs. I had been an impulsive reaction to her fight with Derek. She didn't really want to leave. Bu she probably couldn't do it much longer with her husband.

At some point one of them would give up. One of them would have to leave. "Just… prepare yourself," she said. "You'll probably have to decide between him or me. Soon."

And with that she turned around and left.

When she walked towards the attending's lounge, she felt a light cramp in her abdomen. But she didn't think about it. Had she only known…

 **oOo**

 **AN: Do you have any wishes for flashbacks? I still have my own ideas, but maybe you want to see something special hat happened in the past. If you do, you could just comment it or write me a PM and I'll see how I can include it.**

 **Thanks for reading and reviewing (and more than 2.5k visitors)!**


	11. Chapter 11: We're Not The Same

**AN: Here I am with the next chapter. I thought I could update even faster, but then a (in my opinion great) plot idea came into my head and I wrote it down and suddenly I had already written three chapters of a new FF. I'm planning to publish it too, eventually, but not until I finished this one because I don't want to focus on two stories at the same time. Just so much: It's Maddison.**

 **(By the way, if you love Maddison like I do, you could also check out my oneshot** _ **The Day After The Day**_ **. It's about the conversation between Mark and Addison in 3x12 where they talked about their baby. Just some advertising.)**

 **I've talked much too much. Enjoy Archer and some MerDer in this chapter!**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 11: We're Not The Same**

(Song by _Peasant_ )

Addison was torn out of her sleep when she heard a knock. Carefully she opened her eyes, praying that Charlotte woken up as well, and saw Callie standing next to her bed.

"What happened?" She looked up to the black-haired woman.

"Nothing. I wanted to visit and entertain you with playing cards."

"And you're waking me up for that?" Addison rubbed her eyes.

"I _wanted_ to come for playing cards. And if it had just been that, I wouldn't have woken you up. But then I met an attractive man in the hallway."

The more her friend talked, the more it confused Addison.

"I didn't know him and I had no idea why he was just walking around here. But he said he's a doctor, too."

"Okay, Callie. Why are you telling me this?"

"He also said that he heard about you being here. He's a big fan and wanted to meet you so bad."

"Oh my God." She sighed when she saw who now appeared in the doorway. "Archer."

"You know him?" Callie turned towards the door.

"My brother."

"Oh." The Latina's eyes shifted between Addison and the man. "Oooh, okay!"

"Hey, Addie!" Archer entered the room, grinning, and pulled out a giant, colorful flower bouquet from behind his back.

"I'll go get a vase," Callie excused herself and left them alone.

Addison smiled and patted the chair next to her.

Archer put the flowers aside and sat down as if he was comfortable immediately – he always was. "So, I had to find out my sister had made me an uncle through Mark Sloan." He took her hand in his, like he had done when they had been children. "And I didn't even know she was pregnant because she didn't call or answered any of my calls and mails in three years."

"I…"

"It's okay. I get it. You don't want Bizzy to know anything about your life because she's always interfering. She's really disappointed, by the way, that she hasn't heard anything from you – not that she ever cared before. But you could have at least told me that you don't live in New York anymore, but moved to this very ugly, very rainy city on the other side of the continent."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You love me."

"I do." They smiled at each other.

"You've changed," he then said.

"I know, Archie. My boobs have grown giant because I have to produce food for another human."

"I'm serious, Addie. Not your look – even though you've become older. You seem to be different… somehow. Whatever. How's the husband?"

Addison swallowed hard. She had to tell him. And then Bizzy would find out. "There's no husband anymore."

"What?!"

"Ssshhht!" She pointed towards the crib on the other side of the bed – her brother apparently hadn't even noticed it.

Carefully she too the baby and rocked it to calm it down again.

"You're divorced?" he asked with disbelief.

"Yes."

"Is that why you gave up your perfect life in Manhattan and ran out here?"

She shook her head. "It happened recently. We signed the papers a few days ago."

"I don't understand. You two had a aby."

She was looking at the floor, clearing her throat. "Could we talk about that outside? I haven't gotten any fresh air in eight days."

 **oOo**

Ten minutes later they were sitting in front of the hospital, surrounded by a fresh breeze which made Addison shiver, even though it was almost 75°F.

"So?" Archer was sitting on a bench and had positioned her wheelchair in front of him, so that they could look at each other.

Addison wished she could have her daughter's warmth in her arms. She had given her to a nurse five minutes ago and was already missing her. "Derek's here, too. We moved here one and a half years ago to… save our marriage."

"And apparently it didn't work. I've always told you that he wasn't the right ma for you. But how could he dare to leave you when you just had his child?"

She couldn't look at him, she was too embarrassed. "You now, over time, lying has gotten easier. I said it once, then twice, and suddenly it felt s true that I almost believed it myself. And I thought I could do it forever. But I couldn't."

"What are you taking about? That's not an answer to my question."

"It's not his baby and I just told him a week ago."

"Wow!" Her brother laughed. "I'm impressed. You cheated on him? With whom? Is the father walking around in this hospital? Have I met him?"

"You have. You know him." She reached for his hand and the touch sent warmth through her trembling body. "It's Mark."

"Mark?! Mark Sloan?"

She slowly nodded.

"I'm proud of you, Addison. Finally you accepted the Montgomery family inheritance. And ten it was your husband's oldest friend for whom you gave in to the cheating genes. The Captain would be proud, too."

"Stop it, Archer." She pulled back her hand.

"Come on, I'm just joking."

"This isn't a joke. I love Derek."

"I've said it from the very beginning. He's not the right man for you."

 **oOo**

Over the last week, the bar across the street had become Derek's sanctuary – especially now that he was back at work from his unfair suspension.

Here he could drink, here he had time to think. Here he wasn't the dreary brain surgeon with god-complex who had left his wife in the middle of a crisis. Here he was simply a man who came after work to drink one, two, sometimes even three drinks and think about everything an nothing.

Except when _she_ was here. He had seen her every night, most of the times accompanied by Yang. They were drinking one Tequila after the other and then, eventually, left again. But this night was different. This night Meredith had come alone. Maybe Yang was in surgery or something. Why else would she come alone?

"Hey, guy in a bar." She sat down next to him and drowned a shot of Tequila, then bit into a lemon and barely grimaced. He had been watching her the whole week. She had become better.

"Hey, girl in a bar." He smiled.

"Yesterday Robbins and I visited Addison."

"Okay." He looked away, felt the pain on the left side of his chest when she mentioned his ex-wife's name.

"You're divorced."

He just nodded.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. I mean, which woman would give _you_ up? Before you were McDreary, when you had just come from New York, you were known as McDreamy."

"Really?" He frowned and looked back at her. Her slim figure, her tousled hair, her eyes…

"Yes. She has no idea what she lost when she slept with McSteamy."

"McSteamy?" He actually laughed. "That's how you call the man that impregnated the woman that, at that time, was still my wife?"

"Yeah." She grinned. "I mean, if she wants to trade a good guy for man candy… It's her choice."

The way she was talking about Addison and Mark should infuriate him. And it would if she was anyone else. But coming from her, it didn't. More like the opposite. All he could do was stare at those beautiful lips and…

She made a surprised noise when his lips met hers. But she didn't fight it. Instead she completely engaged to the kiss, until they finally separated, out of breath.

"You wanna… see my trailer?" It was the worst excuse he could have given. And she read him.

She nodded anyway.

He didn't know why he had done it. Revenge against the two people that had once been the most important to him? Desire to feel wanted again? But maybe because she really meant something to him.

 **oOo**

"So…" Archer put the tray with her dinner down on the table at her bed. In the bowl was porridge that looked like vomit, but this kind of food was the only thing she dared to eat at the time. "What was it like to be dead?"

"What?" She laughed and took the spoon her brother was handing her.

"I'm a neurologist, Addie. I'm interested in those things."

She frowned. "Okay. I can't remember anything." She carefully took a spoon of the still warm porridge.

"You're letting me down, little sister. I thought I finally had a direct source to the answers to all of my questions."

"If nobody had told me, I wouldn't even know I was dead. Suddenly everything disappeared and it was black and it was empty. Is that enough?"

Archer sighed and in the same moment Mark entered the room.

"Hey, Sloan!" Archer stood up from where he had been sitting on the chair to give his old friend a masculine hug.

"Montgomery, you're here!"

"I am. What happened to your perfect face?" He pointed towards the not yet completely faded, by now greenish colored swelling in Mark's face.

"Derek wasn't as happy about seeing me as I had hoped."

"I heard. You knocked up my sister."

Addison rolled her eyes.

"I did. Did you meet my daughter yet?" Mark grinned.

"Yes. But really, Mark? A girl? The youngest generation need men like us."

"Oh, you mean man whores?" Addison chipped in from the side and got two proud looks. "No, thanks. I have enough of that."

"Well." Archer patted the other man's shoulder. "We've seen that those genes are passed to the women as well."

"I've seen it. You haven't. I was actually a part of it." Mark's grin grew wider. "And with the predisposition coming from both sides, our chances are good."

"God, I hope not," Addison said. "And now I would really appreciate if at east one of you would leave my room."

"That would be me." Archer took his jacket. "It's late. It's already dark outside and my flight goes in two hours. Bye, Addie." He kissed her cheek. "But first I want to see my niece one more time."

"Sure. Come with me," Mark offered.

And with that the men finally left. Finally it was quiet again.

 **~Eleven Years Ago~**

"Ouch!"

2I'm sorry." Naomi released the ribbon of Addison's lace-up back dress which she had pulled so hard that it taken her best friend's breath. "But it's a corset dress. It's supposed to be that tight."

"Not so tight that I can't breathe! I'll pass out or something."

"It's your wedding, Addison. You can bear it for _one day_."

"I can't!" she whined and shoved Naomi's hand away from her white dress. "The lady in the salon did it better than you."

"Maybe you've just gained weight."

"I haven't!"

"Are you insulting my little sister?" Archer joined them, looking really good in his tux. But he didn't even wait for an answer. Instead he turned to his sister. "You look great."

"Did Bizzy send you?" Addison asked, a little annoyed.

"No. Came here all by myself."

She turned around to look into the mirror. Her brother was right. She indeed looked great. More than that. Fabulous. The makeup was perfect, the dress showed skin, but not too much, and her red hair was pinned into an elegant updo, some curls around her face falling down. It was just like she had always imagined to look like her wedding day.

"Could you help me with the dress, Archie?" she asked. "Nai won't touch it again. She's hurting me."

"You're whiny," her best friend shot back.

"I'm not."

"Okay!" Archer interrupted. "I'll help you." He gently pulled the ribbon, tight, but not too tight, and tied a bow.

"See," Addison said. "He did it right."

"I'm that good." He grinned, but after a few seconds his expression got serious. "Are you sure you want to do this, Addie? You could still run. I'd drive the car."

" _I'm_ the maid of honor," Naomi stated. " _I'd_ drive the car."

"Whatever."

"What's your problem with Derek?" Addison turned back around to look at him.

"My problem is that he's arrogant and has a god-complex. He will hurt you."

"He won't. He's perfect."

"He's not. And he's not the right man for you."

"It's my decision. I love him, Archer. It feels right."

"If you mean-"

"I do!"

In this moment the door of the hotel room opened and her father entered, accompanied by Savvy and 17-year-old Amelia, who were her bridesmaids.

"No!" Addison turned to face Naomi. "You didn't plan the Captain to bring me to the altar!"

"It's an old tradition." Her friend smiled. "The father hands the bride to her future husband."

"The only thing that could be worse is if Bizzy would throw the flowers on our way!"

"She will."

"What?!" Addison felt panic rising in her stomach. "I'll kill you!"

"I'm joking. Derek's nieces and nephews will. And Maya, of course."

She stared at Naomi, a little relieved, then looked at her brother. He was looking back quietly, not seeming very happy.

He was probably just jealous that he had to let go of his baby sister, right?

But Archer had been right that day. He always was.

 **oOo**

 **AN: Hope you liked this chapter.**

 **I know, I said I could update faster because of holidays and stuff, but the problem is that I always wrote the later chapters in my notebook while typing the current ones on my laptop. Lately I've been typing so fast that I've just begun to write chapter 12 which is the next one here, too. So, it could take me a little longer, but I will do everything I can to update as fast as possible. (I hope you understood the problem because it's really hard to explain when I'm not using German.)**

 **As always, I would be so happy about some reviews!**


	12. Chapter 12: We Come Together

**AN: And I'm back. After such a long time there's finally a new chapter. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just struggled with this story, so I focused on some other ones, including the two oneshots I posted a few days ago.**

 **But I finally sat down and worked on this story. I'm not a hundred percent happy with the outcome, but I didn't want to let you wait any longer.**

 **oOo**

 **CHAPTER 12: We Come Together**

(Song by _Regina Price_ )

For Mark it had, over the last days, become a morning routine to look after his daughter. Of course, this wasn't the only time of the day. Whenever he had a free minute, he used it.

But in the mornings, it was different. Addison was still asleep when he came to work, which meant that Charlotte was still in the hospital's nursery, freshly fed and diaper-changed by the nurses. He had some alone-time with her, which was very rare at any other time.

Because when Addison was there, she was overprotective – which wasn't necessarily a bad thing – and didn't put it past him to be able to take his own child more than ten feet away from her. And she had gone through so much for this baby – and she had custody. So he let her boss him around when she was there, and used the mornings for some time alone with Charlotte.

But this morning – Friday, 7:41 AM – when he arrived on the big window in front of the nursery, he wasn't alone. He considered to just walk past the other man, but then decided to join him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, a little insecure, when they were standing next to each other, staring through the window.

"I'm watching your baby."

Mark was confused. He hadn't expected this answer. The last times he and Derek had met had never really ended well – and he was reminded of that every time he looked into the mirror. He had thought Derek would snap at him or leave – or punch him again. "Why?" was the only thing he could think of.

"I'm looking at the life I could have had."

Mark looked at his old friend from the side, but Derek didn't turn away from the window.

"Because in the end it's all my fault."

"Why? _Addison_ slept with _me_."

"I mean… she did it because I neglected her. Who knows, maybe we would have started a family a long time ago, hadn't I been so fixated on my job."

"Maybe." His fingers were nervously tapping on the wall next to him. Having such a personal conversation with the man whose wife he had stolen wasn't really something he did every day.

"And with those few words," Derek continued, "when she told me that it wasn't my baby, she destroyed my dream. Just before that… we had a fight in the scrub room. In the end she asked me if I still loved her. And I couldn't…" He sounded as if he was about to cry, but he didn't. "If I had said it, maybe she would have never told me. But I don't know what's wrong with me. I just couldn't say it."

He couldn't not notice the grief in his former best friend's eyes. Most people thought he was the bad guy because he left his wife in the middle of a crisis. They said he should have supported her, ignored the infidelity, because he had married her more than a decade ago. But this man was so deeply hurt by the awful betrayal. Mark understood, he was probably the only one that did. He knew that, even though Derek hadn't shown it, Addison had meant the world to him. And she had broken him, like he had broken her. The two of them were equally to blame for the divorce.

"She would have cheated on me either way, it had already happened months ago. But I wouldn't know about it. I would be a father. That's what I always wanted."

Mark remembered. They had known each other for a really long time, they had grown up together, been best friends for so long. He knew how long Derek had been wishing for a family. Addison had always been the one to hold him back. And he had tolerated it because he had loved her.

"I didn't show it, but I was so happy about the baby. And a part of me wishes she would have just continued lied to me, never told me the truth."

"That's why you're so angry? Because she took your chance to have a child?"

Derek turned to face him for the first time, and Mark noticed the tears shimmering in his eyes. "If it had just been the cheating… Who knows, maybe I could have forgiven her, eventually. But yes, she took my chance to have a child. And I know I'm partly to blame that it even came this far."

"I'm sorry, Derek. Not for sleeping with her or what resulted from it. Because, honestly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But everything else. You mean something to me. I never intended to hurt you. It just… happened."  
For a long time they stood there in silence. But it wasn't awkward at all. More…. Comfortable.

Finally, he broke it anyway. "Could you get Addison a few things from your apartment?"

"It's not our apartment anymore. It's hers."

"But you still have the keys."

"I do."

"So… she could use some clothes for herself and the baby. They've been living in hospital clothes for more than a week now. Please, do it for her."

"Okay."

And that was how Mark knew that she, after everything that had happened, still meant something to Derek, that he still cared. He wasn't just indifferent. Even though he wasn't _in love_ with her, he at least still loved her. Because she had been a part of his life for more than sixteen years.

 **oOo**

Mark didn't even get to Addison's room before meeting the next familiar face.

"Lexie." He smiled at the young woman that was slowly walking through the hallway, holding on to the rail on the wall.

And she grimaced when she saw him. She tried to turn around and walk around and walk into the opposite direction, but she was apparently still weak, so that Mark could catch up and hold her easily.

"Let go," she said without looking at him.

He didn't let go. Instead he pulled her to sit on the next gurney. "How are you?"

"Why do you care?" she snapped back.

"I saved your life. Remember?"

"I do remember. But after that you didn't care."

She was right, but only partly. He had at least thought about her. But he had been busy and stressed, so he had pushed her aside. And he wasn't proud of it.

"I got clean," she continued. "I had heavy withdrawal syndrome, it was the worst time of my life. And you didn't visit me one time. I was completely alone. I have no one."

"I'm sorry…" He knew that apologizing wouldn't make it better. He had known how lonely he was. And she had been there for him, too. "Addison is… she went into v-tach and was sedated. And when she woke up, her husband gave her divorce papers."

"I heard about that." Lexie was still staring at the floor.

"I've known her for sixteen years. She was alone, she had panic attacks, and-"

She interrupted him. "She's more important than me, I get it."

"That's not what I-"

"But it's true."

He didn't disagree.

"Okay, I'm clean. I'm getting discharged soon. Dr. Avery told me to study medicine. So I will apply at countless universities, until someone has mercy for a poor ex-junkie who never reached anything in her life."

"I have connections. I can help you."

"No, thanks. I don't need your help. Not anymore." She struggled to get up from the gurney. "Also, I met my sister. She just doesn't know who I am yet."

And with that she left and Mark couldn't do anything, except stare at her back.

 **oOo**

"I have to tell you something." Alex turned towards Addison, Charlotte in his arms, and looked at her carefully. "And you have to promise not to freak out or be too shocked."

"Sure. What is it?" Addison sat on the bed, now wearing some sweat pants and her grey Yale hoodie – Mark had brought them yesterday, telling her that it had been Derek who had gotten them from their apartment – correction, her apartment now.

"From what I've heard… our exes paired up against us. I overheard some nurses talking…" He looked to the ground, gently rocking the baby.

"No. It's not what I think it is, right?" She grabbed the sheets for support.

"They saw the two of them leaving and on-call room together. Several times. If I'm interpreting it right-"

"My ex-husband and your ex-fiancé are having an affair," she finished his sentence.

"Exactly."

"Shit." She let herself fall back against the mattress. "How can he already be over eleven years of marriage?"

"I don't think he is. Maybe he uses Meredith to make it easier. But I don't think he's moved on already."

"I doubt that. We're talking about Derek Shepherd here. He doesn't have meaningless sex. Not even to get over a woman." But, honestly, how would she know that for sure? She had known him for three weeks before he had asked her out. She had never seen him with another woman, he hadn't had sex with anyone else since then – until now, apparently.

Alex put Charlotte back down into the crib. "Let's just not think about it. Hungry?"

"Starving."

 **~Seven Months Ago~**

"Derek?" Addison carefully knocked on the door to his home office. It had been almost a week since she had found out about the pregnancy. And it was the first time he was sleeping at home since then.

"Come in," she heard his voice from the inside.

She slowly opened the door. Since when was she afraid to look at her husband, the love of her life?

"What do you want, Addison?" he asked after a few seconds of silence, not even looking up from his laptop.

She still had a chance to back out, to just turn around and leave. But what good would it do? She was pregnant, no matter what, and she wasn't planning to terminate. He would find out at some point. So rather sooner than later.

"I… need to tell you something, Derek."

"Huh?" He was still facing the article on his screen.

"Would you please look at me?"

He sighed with annoyance, closing the laptop an turning his chair around. But his eyes weren't really _on_ her, but looking right through her.

"So, I…" One last chance to run.

"Addison."

No." She raised a hand to stop him. "Let me talk."

"Then finally talk."

And when she said it, it came in one breath, one hasty word. "DerekI'mpregnant." There. She had said it out loud. And she felt even worse because it was only half the truth.

"Whoa." He seemed confused and it took him some time to shake it off. "It's not the best time for a baby, don't you think?"

"Well, I didn't plan it to happen." No, she definitely hadn't. Particularly not that it was her husband's best friend's baby that she was carrying. "But it happened. Maybe it's a good thing." She slightly smiled at him.

"Maybe."

"We always wanted children, Derek. It never was the right time and now… I'm pregnant." She felt so bad, she just wanted to sink to the ground and cry. But she managed to keep it together.

"How far along are you?"

"Only six weeks. Anything could happen. I mean, I'm not the youngest anymore. But… we still have 34 more weeks to get used to the fact that we're becoming parents." She was lying into his face. She would have never expected herself to be able to do this. But she was. She just had to keep doing it for the rest of her life.

"Okay." He exhaled audibly. "We can do this. We're having a baby."

"We're having a baby."

 **oOo**

 **AN: So this is it. Told you, not really the best chapter. Please let me know what you think.**

 **I already finished chapter 13, just have to type it. I hope I can upload it soon, but I also have some struggles with my computer, so… let's see.**


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